New Settings New Chapter

Today I adjusted the settings for this blog to public and to allow anyone to comment.  It's as if something in me has clicked and I simply want to write and be read and hear how others respond to my expression of myself and experiences.  The "click" in my soul was a "small detent."  I.e. it was a very "narrow line" something within me needed to "cross over" and it did, she did, I did.  It seems a little bit funny that a soul can be so finely tuned that the smallest movement can make one ready (or not) for opening up to something new, or to ready one's self for more birthing...  I'm speaking in so many metaphors!  What is it I really mean? 

I've been reviewing my life by reading my own writings in various sources, and then went to a family reunion and then had a "normal" week at home, and woke up today feeling simply ready to write, and more to the point: ready to be read.

Did anything in particular happen this morning?  No.  I just feel that I have let go of one layer of resistance to something, or one layer of "caring." 

When I think I am protecting myself, am I also trying to protect anyone else?  And when I think I am trying to protect someone else, am I also trying to protect myself?  I think the fact that I'm not as sure as I'd like to be about the answers to those questions tells me that the deeper issue is my own self-definition. 

I am SO good at identifying with others, sympathizing with them, empathizing with them, feeling what they feel, working to understand their perspective.  But I'm not so good at trusting others to do the same for me.  The first and obvious reason why that is so is because when I was young, I was too trusting, and too often that trust was abused. 

Now, who do I REALLY trust?  There are really only a very few people I can name that I would trust with my self, my person, my soul.  At the top of the list is my husband.  That would surprise some people given how rocky our relationship has been.  But maybe it's BECAUSE our relationship has been "rocky."  It's been rocky because we have been Real with each other.  It turns out we both have some very rough edges, so in being real, there has been conflict.  But we have found that we truly love each other: rough edges and all. 

I think, for me, that is what is actually necessary for me to really trust someone.  I have to experience their worst version of their self and I have to experience them witnessing my worst version of my self.  And through it all I have to discover that I still accept them and they still accept me. 

In marriage, this level of unconditional acceptance is profoundly liberating.  Unconditional love is more likely to grow where there is rock-solid acceptance.

In friendship, we tend to expect unconditional acceptance, but it isn't really always there.  And in fact, I think many friends actually put subliminal conditions on each other.  When I have experienced this, I either call it out and we both accept that that is so, or we quit being friends.  Or, if I find that I can't call it out, then I simply drift away.  I just can't tolerate much conformity, and I can't abide any domination or manipulation where I expect equality.

So how do these musings regarding relationships relate to my feelings about writing and being read?  My goal in writing is to first and foremost to always be True.  I want to be Honest about myself as much as possible without betraying others' privacy.  So when I need to name others, I will use an initial or some general descriptor.  Another goal for me in writing is to move my own discovery process forward.  This is when I might feel most vulnerable.  Readers could so easily judge my process, and to me, process is nearly holy! 

Obviously, this is an experiment.  But I consider most of living an experiment.  At least, that's often how I prefer to live!

So here we go!  Hello, dear Reader, welcome to my world!  I welcome your comments.  I hope what you write to me will be respectful.  Of course, I always reserve the right to delete any comments I deem unworthy of my blog, but I hope there will be some regular readers who will offer their thoughts in meaningful dialogue with mine. 

Why Write?

Clearly, it's been a while.  Why, is not so clear.  This is a blog I really want to write.  This is a topic I want to explore deeply: who I AM (and who I am becoming in the Lord, the great I-AM).  (Sounds serious, doesn't it!  No worries: today's meanderings are all meringue, that is to say: fluff.)  Many of the things I'm doing are all starts along this road.  It's as if I'm doing extensive research for shopping to equip myself for a long trip, but maybe I should just get on the road.  I get so bogged down by all the "preparations."  I think I've just found very sophisticated ways to procrastinate.

For many years (twenty to thirty actually) I've thought about writing my autobiography.  For at least twelve years now I've wanted to write my "spiritual journey."  I keep thinking that the result needs to have a purpose, and preferably one that I determine!  The persevering agitation to write, despite my amazingly versatile array of procrastination techniques, comes from my need for the process.  I need to write.  i NEED to write.  i need TO WRITE.  But I don't give myself permission to jump into the writing because I keep worrying about what will be written, and my lack of control over it, once it's 'out there.'

So, to start, here, now, I'm going to ask myself a question.  And I'm going to demand an answer.  Yes, I'm actually going to demand something of myself!  (So very like and not like me!)  Here's the question:  What do I mean by "writing"?

Hmmm.  That's a really good question!  I think it's a good question because, surely, it must be too easy for too many of us to assume we know what we mean by that word or concept, and yet there's a wide world of what it could entail.  So (and here's one of those lovely tarrying tactics) what all COULD "writing" mean?  (Let's walk around the whole park before we narrow in on one bush around which we can then beat a path having taken great pains to select it by process of elimination, first examining all other contending shrubs!)

Well, when I think I will write, I first think of putting pen to paper, preferably in a private journal, a sweetly nifty one that feels good in my hands and has paper that receives ink beautifully and smoothly.  Along these lines, "writing" requires a physically appealing endeavor, a sensually satisfying experience.  I have to have the right pen w/ the right paper in order to write.  And then, of course, I have to be sitting in a comfy chair, w/ a great cup of coffee brewed and ready to sip from a specially chosen mug, while I listen to soothing-yet-stimulating music that inspires me so much the words are just bursting from my mind and heart.  Optionally, but customarily there are two or three great books on the table at my side so that, if my thoughts wander too far and my eyes drift from my hand-to-paper, I will feel the companionship and encouragement of great writers, (as if I am one of their company).  This type of writing is really all about the pleasure of dreaming w/ a lovely pen in hand and the comfort of a book whose blank pages speak to me of unlimited possibilities.

Sometimes I actually have something I want "to say."  However, I don't really need to say it to anyone in particular, so I want to write my thoughts and feelings where I can secure them for myself to read now and later.  This "writing" is all about "having a voice" and "being heard."  Once-in-a-while I want others to hear me, but mostly I want to quiet all the other voices from the world long enough that I can hear myself.  Writing helps me silence the noise and order my thoughts all at the same time.  Having those thoughts documented on paper gives me some comfort that I have valued my own mind enough that I can be reminded of my thinking and feeling from a particular time, even if I've changed my mind since then.  This exercise in gathering words is all about self-validation/affirmation.

Occasionally I have something specific I want to write or say to a specific person.  Usually this means a letter.  This kind of notation is the easiest.  If I have some Thing to say to some One, I usually have the words required, at the ready.  I pick up a pen, write, and deliver.  Or, more likely these days, I draft an email and press send.  While composing a letter is really about some particular facet of my relationship w/ the recipient, I find I manage to include some creative self-expression in the process.  So, letters are both cathartic and communicative.

Blogging is writing, but so different from all the others, that I can simply call it "blogging," no need of the word "writing."  I could write a blog.  But most of us who blog are really blogging more than we are writing.  Let's explore what I mean by that.  (Yep, we've veered off the park-path and are proceeding to take a taxi downtown.  But don't worry; we'll be back.  We'll find that unique little blossom yet where our intention can find nectar.)  What does it mean "to blog"?  First of all, blogging implies an activity online.  I suppose one could draft the contents of a blog w/out using a computer and the Internet, but for that content to become a "blog," it would eventually have to interface w/ a computer and be posted to the web, even if kept "private."  The particular actions involved in blogging can include gathering and arranging words or pictures or music or anything else (of your own or found on the net) that can be sent over the Internet.  Generally, "blogging" presumes a readership, or more likely a "subscriber,"  some other person who will receive and digest your content rather soon after you've published.  If it's really interesting, they might send it to others and it could "go viral."  Blogs can be ABOUT anything.  They can even be about nothing.  But the motivation for "blogging" is usually somewhat personal.  I'm sure this will become increasingly less true as more and more people and institutions produce blogs, but for now I would bet that most bloggers blog because they have a personal interest in having others read their content which is more-or-less about them or their lives or their passions.  I'm sure one could put a scientific report into the form of a blog, but I doubt that that's done as often as the personal-opinion/-experience version of blogging.

Well, there's so much more to say about types of writing and reasons for blogging, but I think I'm ready to take that taxi back to the park and find that one special flower (have you been following my metaphor?): why I want to write this particular blog.  Why do I want to blog these particular thoughts (and those to come)?  Sigh.  Yes, I really just made a BIG sigh.  I'm blogging because I want to connect w/ someone.  Who s/he will be, I have no idea.  Maybe s/he won't even be "out there."  Maybe she's already here.  I just want to discover who I'm becoming and how I would put that awareness into words, and maybe find some need or purpose fulfilled in doing so.

So there's the bloom (what do I mean by writing?): I write to think, to become more aware.  And what about the nectar?  That depends on the butterflies!

To be continued... (of course!)