Today I adjusted the settings for this blog to public and to allow anyone to comment. It's as if something in me has clicked and I simply want to write and be read and hear how others respond to my expression of myself and experiences. The "click" in my soul was a "small detent." I.e. it was a very "narrow line" something within me needed to "cross over" and it did, she did, I did. It seems a little bit funny that a soul can be so finely tuned that the smallest movement can make one ready (or not) for opening up to something new, or to ready one's self for more birthing... I'm speaking in so many metaphors! What is it I really mean?
I've been reviewing my life by reading my own writings in various sources, and then went to a family reunion and then had a "normal" week at home, and woke up today feeling simply ready to write, and more to the point: ready to be read.
Did anything in particular happen this morning? No. I just feel that I have let go of one layer of resistance to something, or one layer of "caring."
When I think I am protecting myself, am I also trying to protect anyone else? And when I think I am trying to protect someone else, am I also trying to protect myself? I think the fact that I'm not as sure as I'd like to be about the answers to those questions tells me that the deeper issue is my own self-definition.
I am SO good at identifying with others, sympathizing with them, empathizing with them, feeling what they feel, working to understand their perspective. But I'm not so good at trusting others to do the same for me. The first and obvious reason why that is so is because when I was young, I was too trusting, and too often that trust was abused.
Now, who do I REALLY trust? There are really only a very few people I can name that I would trust with my self, my person, my soul. At the top of the list is my husband. That would surprise some people given how rocky our relationship has been. But maybe it's BECAUSE our relationship has been "rocky." It's been rocky because we have been Real with each other. It turns out we both have some very rough edges, so in being real, there has been conflict. But we have found that we truly love each other: rough edges and all.
I think, for me, that is what is actually necessary for me to really trust someone. I have to experience their worst version of their self and I have to experience them witnessing my worst version of my self. And through it all I have to discover that I still accept them and they still accept me.
In marriage, this level of unconditional acceptance is profoundly liberating. Unconditional love is more likely to grow where there is rock-solid acceptance.
In friendship, we tend to expect unconditional acceptance, but it isn't really always there. And in fact, I think many friends actually put subliminal conditions on each other. When I have experienced this, I either call it out and we both accept that that is so, or we quit being friends. Or, if I find that I can't call it out, then I simply drift away. I just can't tolerate much conformity, and I can't abide any domination or manipulation where I expect equality.
So how do these musings regarding relationships relate to my feelings about writing and being read? My goal in writing is to first and foremost to always be True. I want to be Honest about myself as much as possible without betraying others' privacy. So when I need to name others, I will use an initial or some general descriptor. Another goal for me in writing is to move my own discovery process forward. This is when I might feel most vulnerable. Readers could so easily judge my process, and to me, process is nearly holy!
Obviously, this is an experiment. But I consider most of living an experiment. At least, that's often how I prefer to live!
So here we go! Hello, dear Reader, welcome to my world! I welcome your comments. I hope what you write to me will be respectful. Of course, I always reserve the right to delete any comments I deem unworthy of my blog, but I hope there will be some regular readers who will offer their thoughts in meaningful dialogue with mine.
I've been reviewing my life by reading my own writings in various sources, and then went to a family reunion and then had a "normal" week at home, and woke up today feeling simply ready to write, and more to the point: ready to be read.
Did anything in particular happen this morning? No. I just feel that I have let go of one layer of resistance to something, or one layer of "caring."
When I think I am protecting myself, am I also trying to protect anyone else? And when I think I am trying to protect someone else, am I also trying to protect myself? I think the fact that I'm not as sure as I'd like to be about the answers to those questions tells me that the deeper issue is my own self-definition.
I am SO good at identifying with others, sympathizing with them, empathizing with them, feeling what they feel, working to understand their perspective. But I'm not so good at trusting others to do the same for me. The first and obvious reason why that is so is because when I was young, I was too trusting, and too often that trust was abused.
Now, who do I REALLY trust? There are really only a very few people I can name that I would trust with my self, my person, my soul. At the top of the list is my husband. That would surprise some people given how rocky our relationship has been. But maybe it's BECAUSE our relationship has been "rocky." It's been rocky because we have been Real with each other. It turns out we both have some very rough edges, so in being real, there has been conflict. But we have found that we truly love each other: rough edges and all.
I think, for me, that is what is actually necessary for me to really trust someone. I have to experience their worst version of their self and I have to experience them witnessing my worst version of my self. And through it all I have to discover that I still accept them and they still accept me.
In marriage, this level of unconditional acceptance is profoundly liberating. Unconditional love is more likely to grow where there is rock-solid acceptance.
In friendship, we tend to expect unconditional acceptance, but it isn't really always there. And in fact, I think many friends actually put subliminal conditions on each other. When I have experienced this, I either call it out and we both accept that that is so, or we quit being friends. Or, if I find that I can't call it out, then I simply drift away. I just can't tolerate much conformity, and I can't abide any domination or manipulation where I expect equality.
So how do these musings regarding relationships relate to my feelings about writing and being read? My goal in writing is to first and foremost to always be True. I want to be Honest about myself as much as possible without betraying others' privacy. So when I need to name others, I will use an initial or some general descriptor. Another goal for me in writing is to move my own discovery process forward. This is when I might feel most vulnerable. Readers could so easily judge my process, and to me, process is nearly holy!
Obviously, this is an experiment. But I consider most of living an experiment. At least, that's often how I prefer to live!
So here we go! Hello, dear Reader, welcome to my world! I welcome your comments. I hope what you write to me will be respectful. Of course, I always reserve the right to delete any comments I deem unworthy of my blog, but I hope there will be some regular readers who will offer their thoughts in meaningful dialogue with mine.
