The Lord's Love is Lavish!

This is a lovely Scripture song (based on Psalm 139:1-18) by Dan Schutte.  You likely won't hear it in Mass anymore because of revised rules for music in mass.  The reason given is, out of sensitivity to those of the Jewish faith, we refrain from speaking the LORD's Name aloud.  However we still do so when proclaiming Scripture.  Admittedly, I'm not really sure of all the details at work here. 

I'm sharing this song here because it came to mind when meditating on Psalm 139 while doing the devotional exercise from "Love/a guide for prayer" by Bergan & Schwan (pages 15-18). I highly recommend all their books form the Take and Receive series.

After meditating on Psalm 139, reading the given commentary, and entering into prayer, the exercise calls for reflecting on twelve significant events throughout my life.  I noted the following:

1. My conception!  My parents had planned to have only four children.  They were even using a form of contraception.  But the Lord had other plans!  They told me when I was quite young that I was the best surprise they were ever given.  The fact that they had not planned for me didn't make me feel less loved; I felt all the more loved because they impressed upon me that God wanted me to exist and they gratefully received me!  I remember fondly it was a story that I often asked my mother to tell me. 

2. A happy childhood.  Up until age ten I experienced a mostly idyllic childhood for which I am profoundly grateful.  This is when I was given a secure grounding in faith (conceiving God as a Loving Father Who created everything out of Love, relating with Jesus as my Savior and Best-Friend, some inkling of the Spirit, and a rock solid trust in the Truth of God's Word -- the Old & New Testaments).  I was also given a secure sense of belonging to loving parents.  Those two great gifts of grace were sufficient to carry me through my darkest times.

3. A year in Puerto Rico.  My experiences in Puerto Rico as a ten-year-old were life-changing.  My world-view was dramatically broadened, and because I was yet a child, this translated into most fundamentally conveying a sense that the earth is a marvelous place for adventure and I belong here!  Somehow, even though there was so much encounter with "other", because I received it all as glorious and enchanting discovery, I felt I had entered into an intimate experience with something big enough to stretch my imagination.

4. My baptism and reception as a member into the Mennonite Church.  Besides all the sacramental benefits of baptism itself, my experience of it was a great gift: I had a rather mystical awareness of the Spirit being born in me.  I felt the Fullness of the Holy Spirit.  I've never been given the Gift of Tongues, but I have had an abiding, supernatural (Grace) sense of the Spirit's in-dwelling, the Love that will not let me go; praise be Jesus!

5. The gifts of music, piano, teaching; talent and opportunity to develop and share those talents.

6.  Special times of God saving me physically, miraculously. (More* on that later!)

7. A particular prayer time of "Joy"!  I was given a mystical awareness of Christ's Presence within my soul, nearer to me than myself!

8. Waking up at St. Paul's Catholic Church in Madison, Wisconsin, both literally and figuratively!  (Again, more+ on that later!)

9. Becoming Catholic: my waking Vision of my inner Sacred-Circle, the relationships and process involved in BC, and the actual sacrament of Reception.  Glory be to the Father!...

10. Marriage with John.

11. Receiving the gifts of forgiveness and mercy more fully.

12. Learning to let go.

Following The Star

In response to exercise suggested in Chapter 7 ("Making Our Way In The Dark") of Silf's Inner Compass which would have me imagine traveling with the Magi as they followed the star in search of the Messiah:

Using motifs* from the Magi following the star to Bethlehem, in search of the Messiah, reflect on my life events that reveal my "discovering" of Christ.  *(North-Star, Journey, persistence through darkness, trusting a guide that is confirmed by evidence but yet requires trust to follow...)  What is my "North-Star"?  Valuing Life and having regard for the Person in each human-being.

This "North-Star" came to me through a dramatic, life-changing event when I was in high-school.  After having attempted suicide, I awoke!  I woke up!  I was aware that I had woken up!  I felt my hand on the plane of the quilt on my bed.  I felt how soft it was.  I thought "either I am in Heaven and Heaven is very soft, or I am alive on earth and I have woken up in my bed!"  Then I opened my eyes, and I was filled with over-whelming joy.  I was filled with the bliss of finding that I was alive!  Alive!  There is so much more to tell of that story -- all the particulars that led up to that moment, and that followed after.  But for now, I just want to sit with the memory of being aware of being alive!  The joy of being and awareness!  The memory of experiencing that awakening and opening of my eyes has never left me.  And for twelve years following, while I continued to struggle with on-going thoughts of suicide, I didn't attempt to end my life ever again.  I had given myself a gold wedding ring and promised myself to live.  To live my life.  To never give up.  The vow was simply to live.  And I thank God for that gift of conviction that Life is valuable simply for itself that it came to me on the heels of my darkest "hour".  I have often drawn strength from that memory and that living conviction within me.  So that is my personal "North-Star": Life, living.

That's much of the "reason" I am so convicted about the value of human life, of the sacred person in each human-being.  In my moment of feeling utter despair and even having attempted to throw my life away, I discovered the gift of valuing Life, my life -- not the circumstances or history or future of my life -- not my life story -- rather, simply my being.  My being alive.  Being alive here and now.  And if I can accept this gift for myself, how could I ever disregard the gift within each person?  (Even if they don't recognize the gift for themselves yet.)

This is also why I am not only inclined to enjoy process, but I am grateful for process; I am a lover of process.  I know I was born with a personality given toward INFP traits, but this particular experience shows me that there can be surprises around any corner and the process of seeing what's next is powerfully full of the possibility of great gift, great grace.

So my "North-Star" is Life and my journey to Christ is through Becoming, Awakening, Opening my eyes, Receiving Grace, enjoying the gift of Bliss.  I have persisted in valuing Life, choosing Life through many dark times, many deserts, hills, and valleys.  But ever after that serious suicide attempt, I've always trusted that Life is worth Living and that it is itself a Gift from God.  Will I find my Savior at the end of my life's Journey?  I believe so because He has already revealed Himself to me and is leading me Home.

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"

Companions on my Journey

Who have been my travel companions on my "Magi Journey"?  Parents, pastors, teachers, mentors, people who have helped me find my way to a more intimate relationship with Christ.  I would say most especially my parents, and KB in Madison.  How did they help me?  Primarily by the example of seeking and then living what they find.  Seeking to know God by studying Scripture, by daily prayer, and by yielding their will to the Spirit.  Living their understanding of true discipleship, no matter the cost.  They also encouraged me to do the same kind of seeking and obeying, even if the particulars for me were different from the particulars for them.  That is a hugely significant thing because some parents/teachers/leaders would have their children/students/followers conform to their own particulars, but I was blessed to have Christ-models who modeled for me primarily discernment.  Thanks be to God! 

Who threatened me on my journey or the course of my path?  Those who harmed, abused, or bullied me.  Those who ignored opportunities to help.  I still feel some significant bitterness when I remember those kinds of experiences, so, clearly, I have more forgiving to do!  But I have also always marveled at how the Lord has never let others' bad wills/actions thwart His own intention to bless me, AND (and this is really incredible) the Lord doesn't let anything go to waste!  God uses everything in my life for my good and for His glory.  Scriptures promise He will do this, but I still find it to be amazing and cause for much rejoicing when I see Him actually doing it.

That's why I don't condemn myself for continuing to process whatever more I need to forgive.  The Lord is growing my spirit.  The Lord gives me ways and opportunities for healing, and it comes in stages.  So the Spirit confronts me with a bit of something, we chew on it, process it as thoroughly as possible for that time, I heal, I forgive, I grow.  Then at another time, we do it all again, only deeper in my soul.  The Lord is growing my spirit to have a more intimate relationship with His, with Him.

When I imagine arriving where my North-Star has come to rest, I see Heaven.  I see Jesus greeting me with open arms and all of Heaven behind Him rejoicing.  "Welcome my beloved!  Welcome Home!"  When I consider the complete healing I will experience in Heaven, the wholeness-in-Christ that makes all hurts harmless, why can I not assume that now?  Because I'm not there yet.  And that reality is significant.  But I can claim the hope.  And that hope is also significant; it also has substance.  So, in hope, I can hold a Joy that feeds me and that heals me.

Lord Jesus, help me co-operate with the healing You want to accomplish in me today.  Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit; as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be; world without end.  Amen.  And amen! ♡

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"

Family Constellation

Quick Sketch of an Idea I want to Explore:
In what way(s) (to what degree) do(e)s the dominant personality trait(s) of each of my siblings track the on-going development of my parents' own personal maturation and/or their parenting practises?

How I see each of my sibs at the moment:
Sibling     Gender     Dominant Interior Disposition     What they like to give     What they most want
S             M            Artist                                          Healing                          Acceptance
B             F             Artist                                          Creation/Free-Exploring Empowerment
J              F             Scientist                                      (Justice?) Provider         Approval
R             M            Scientist                                      Wholeness/Love            Deep Intimacy

And myself?  I am female but I also have a strong sense of a (male) "twin" within me.  (Was there actually a twin who died in the womb during pregnancy???  Or is it "just" my animus?)  I've long had a sense of JM.
I am most certainly the Artist (of that dichotomy).  And honestly, I think I have to recognize that as for the other observations, I'd have to say "all of the above" because, surely, my "observations" come at least as much from my own interior experience as they do from any objective observation.  But if I had to pick just one of each?  What I like most to give?  Empowerment (to myself and to others).  What I most want for myself?  Wholeness, because to me, that means Everything in "balance" and "complementarity."

How I see my parents?  I think Mom's most dominant trait while I was growing up was Self-Sufficiency, and Dad's was need to give and receive Love/Wholeness.  I think Dad imprinted on me more than Mom, but of course I experience the workings of both within me.

As I said at the beginning: this is just a SKETCH of an IDEA.  If I really want to learn much about this topic, I have much more investigation and pondering to do!  And, of course, it would be interesting to hear from my sibs their reflections on this, especially their responses to how I see them w/in the family-constellation.

I was prompted to reflect on these matters while reading Silf's Inner Compass, chapter 7, even though she doesn't write specifically about how our families have shaped our interior terrain.  I supposed I meandered off to this reflection because I think very often of how my experiences of family have shaped me and I think in terms of "terrain."  Meanwhile, Silf's motif for her book is that of "navigation" and this particular chapter uses many metaphors for "traveling" and discovering one's own interior "landscape."  (So, it was her language that spurred me.)  In any event, the content of my tangential wonderings and the content of her book really do relate inasmuch as they both have to do with Finding Our Way To/With God and that a substantive part of that is Understanding Ourselves.

Why Write?

Not feeling very good today.  Mostly emotional.  Mostly due to lack of purpose.  I want to write.  I want to write about my life.  I want to tell "my side of the story."  I want to tell the Sacred Story that is my life.  But why?  I don't know what the purpose for it is.  I'm fairly convinced that no-one cares about my story.  I doubt that anyone would find value in my story.  I know my Life is Worth beyond value because I know I am created by God and loved by God; God's Love created my being.  But how has the manifestation of my being, my course of choices, my responses to all that has happened to me and all that I've chosen, how do those details matter?  Do they matter?  What in them matters most?  What in them might matter to anyone beyond myself?  Have I made a positive difference in anyone else's life?  I'm sure I have positively impacted most/all of my students.  I have made choices in terms of my talents to use them in such a way that I contribute to the healthy development of children, and empowerment of their talents. 

But what about how I have overcome difficulties in my life?  Do people know anything about all that?  And of what they know, what do they interpret?  What message do they get from how I've lived my life? 

I think my story is made up of several significant threads: profound love; broken-ness; vulnerability; abuse/victimization; rebirth; blossoming; healing; forgiveness; continuing struggle w/ feeling alienated from "the world"; continuing persistence to embrace all that is Good, Beautiful, and True.
If I were to reduce all that to 2 or 3 motifs, which would I identify as most prominent?  Profoundly Vulnerable while Profoundly rooted in Love; struggle to make sense of the struggle!

The main reason I need to write is that I need to write.
Here are 3 more reasons I need to write:
I NEED to write.
I need to WRITE.
I NEED TO WRITE.
Also, I think I would like to be read.
But notice how clear I am about my own need to write, where-as I sound quite tentative regarding my desire to be read.  I ask all these questions about how others might read and interpret my story and the potential there-in, but I am so ambivalent about being read!  The NEED to write FOR ME persists.  So I let myself write this particular blog uncensored.  And I keep it "private."  The theory is that some day I might let select others read this, or I might lift portions to include in other blogs.  The basic presumption is that I use this as a way to cheer myself toward writing something I can let others read.  So the question is WHY do I want to be read?  WHO do I want to read my story?  Which reader(s) matter(s) to me?  Why do I think my story might be of value to them?  The only person I can think of and that I always think of in answer to this question is Tessa.  And why do I want her to know my story?  Because she is my closest relative of the next generation.  And she has expressed interest in wanting to know more about our family.  And I can see she has wounds too, and persists in choosing love and goodness, and I want to encourage her. 

I know that HOW I LIVE is the most important and clearest witness of whatever it is I have to testify to, but I also want to write because I want to reveal my thoughts.

One exercise in writing that would interest me is to explore how I think others might interpret my wordless examples of living.  What is my life-without-words saying?  Are there any words I can add to this that would contribute to or clarify the message?  Are the words I'd like to add in harmony with my actions? 

Jesus help me.
Jesu juva.
I really would like to glorify You, Abba.
Soli Deo gloria.

~ MLJMHC

Twelve Royal Teams

Who have helped "plow the furrow" of my life (to use Silf's metaphor taken from I Kings 19:19)?

My parents
Close friends
Teachers
Pastors
Authors
Key events
The Church
Christ in the Eucharist! :)

How have they been instruments of God?

Mostly through the good example of their lives, and their generous ways of nurturing my spirit through specific growth-producing challenges to specific aspects of myself in need of development.

I am mostly motivated by love: life-giving challenges and mercy, and when I am led, it is because I am willing to follow good example.

No wonder I'm a teacher.

How can I use this perception to help me love others better?

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 3 "Finding Our Past in God"

True Freedom

That's what I really want: to be content in all things, to keep my contentment anchored in Christ, regardless of the circumstances.  That is true freedom.




While I reflect on all the ways and times I have been aware of God leading me into closer union with Him through special experiences or moments of awakening awareness, I am made more clearly mindful that what God wants of me is my complete Trust in Him, and what He wants to give me is complete Life-Giving Contentment.  By "contentment" I don't mean placidity.  "Contentment" means everything tending towards one thing.  That "one thing" for me is my Life in God through Christ.


Along the way, each of these experiences have taught me many things about myself and about God.  But taken altogether I can see that they have one purpose: One-ness w/ my Loving-Creator-Savior-Redeemer-Eternal-Life-Source-Who-Is-Abba!  


Glory be to the Father
And to the Son
And to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning
Is now
And every shall be
World without end.
Amen!


Is now!  How blessed are we who embrace this Now!
Praise You Jesus!
Thank You Lord!

Question about Justice

When someone hurts or harms you, it seems like (at least at some point) one of two things should happen:  either seek justice or offer mercy.  It might be possible to do both in many cases, especially if justice can be done in a fairly timely fashion.

But if much time has passed, and the one harmed has been experiencing healing through God, or anything better than worldly justice, then it might be the only thing left (of benefit to the one injured) is to offer mercy.

The issue for society remains: should there be "justice" (consequences/ restitution) for society at large even if the particular injured doesn't need it?

Is "justice" ever just punishment?  If so, is it really just?

Ways I Pray

Experiencing my relationship w/ God through prayer.
All the "ways" I pray:

• carrying a consciousness of God's Presence constantly in my heart
• passing conversations w/ God in my head/ heart
• praying Scripture (esp Psalms)
• studying Scripture and asking the Holy Spirit for understanding
• making music
• praising God for my day (and everything and everyone in it) throughout the day
• liturgically (in Mass, w/ Christ's Body)
• communing w/ the Eucharist
• tending to others w/ the consciousness that they are Christ in my world
• crying out to God w/ any troubles or challenges or hurts I feel
• simply "sitting w/" God
• conversations w/ God as I read anything
• meditating
• contemplating
• dreaming
• sometimes even just through movement (I like to turn my stretches into prayer)
• thinking about God's working in my life and in others' lives

I engage in many kinds of prayer!
I wonder how many others ways I might open my living to praying?

Looking at the How of my life

This is basically about how I respond to my context.

How do I nurture my relationships?
Are there relationships I have neglected?  And would I like to change that?

How do I use all that I've learned?
How do I use my gifts and skills?
Have I neglected any of these gifts?
How can I exercise better stewardship?

How do I care for things I have?
Are there things I should let go of?

How do I make use of all my experiences? (especially those which have "broadened my horizons" even if I'm not "there" now)

How do I use my time?

Are there attitudes I want to change?
Are there dreams I want to nurture?

When I look at the ways God has led me in the past, how would I map His plan for my life?  And am I cooperating w/ His plans for me today?

In what ways has God invited me to share His Love and Light in the world?

What are my priorities?  Are they congruent w/ Christ's?

Jesu juva!!!
Solo Dei gloria!

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 2 "Where Am I? How Am I? Who Am I?"

I am who I am.  I am Hoo!
This blog will be dedicated to exploring (hopefully discovering more and more of) Who I Am, God's dream of me.  Jesu juva!  Solo Dei gloria!  Praise be Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour, Lover of my Soul! <3 :) V (BTW those are my symbols for Love, Joy, Peace! )