The Lord's Love is Lavish!

This is a lovely Scripture song (based on Psalm 139:1-18) by Dan Schutte.  You likely won't hear it in Mass anymore because of revised rules for music in mass.  The reason given is, out of sensitivity to those of the Jewish faith, we refrain from speaking the LORD's Name aloud.  However we still do so when proclaiming Scripture.  Admittedly, I'm not really sure of all the details at work here. 

I'm sharing this song here because it came to mind when meditating on Psalm 139 while doing the devotional exercise from "Love/a guide for prayer" by Bergan & Schwan (pages 15-18). I highly recommend all their books form the Take and Receive series.

After meditating on Psalm 139, reading the given commentary, and entering into prayer, the exercise calls for reflecting on twelve significant events throughout my life.  I noted the following:

1. My conception!  My parents had planned to have only four children.  They were even using a form of contraception.  But the Lord had other plans!  They told me when I was quite young that I was the best surprise they were ever given.  The fact that they had not planned for me didn't make me feel less loved; I felt all the more loved because they impressed upon me that God wanted me to exist and they gratefully received me!  I remember fondly it was a story that I often asked my mother to tell me. 

2. A happy childhood.  Up until age ten I experienced a mostly idyllic childhood for which I am profoundly grateful.  This is when I was given a secure grounding in faith (conceiving God as a Loving Father Who created everything out of Love, relating with Jesus as my Savior and Best-Friend, some inkling of the Spirit, and a rock solid trust in the Truth of God's Word -- the Old & New Testaments).  I was also given a secure sense of belonging to loving parents.  Those two great gifts of grace were sufficient to carry me through my darkest times.

3. A year in Puerto Rico.  My experiences in Puerto Rico as a ten-year-old were life-changing.  My world-view was dramatically broadened, and because I was yet a child, this translated into most fundamentally conveying a sense that the earth is a marvelous place for adventure and I belong here!  Somehow, even though there was so much encounter with "other", because I received it all as glorious and enchanting discovery, I felt I had entered into an intimate experience with something big enough to stretch my imagination.

4. My baptism and reception as a member into the Mennonite Church.  Besides all the sacramental benefits of baptism itself, my experience of it was a great gift: I had a rather mystical awareness of the Spirit being born in me.  I felt the Fullness of the Holy Spirit.  I've never been given the Gift of Tongues, but I have had an abiding, supernatural (Grace) sense of the Spirit's in-dwelling, the Love that will not let me go; praise be Jesus!

5. The gifts of music, piano, teaching; talent and opportunity to develop and share those talents.

6.  Special times of God saving me physically, miraculously. (More* on that later!)

7. A particular prayer time of "Joy"!  I was given a mystical awareness of Christ's Presence within my soul, nearer to me than myself!

8. Waking up at St. Paul's Catholic Church in Madison, Wisconsin, both literally and figuratively!  (Again, more+ on that later!)

9. Becoming Catholic: my waking Vision of my inner Sacred-Circle, the relationships and process involved in BC, and the actual sacrament of Reception.  Glory be to the Father!...

10. Marriage with John.

11. Receiving the gifts of forgiveness and mercy more fully.

12. Learning to let go.

Following The Star

In response to exercise suggested in Chapter 7 ("Making Our Way In The Dark") of Silf's Inner Compass which would have me imagine traveling with the Magi as they followed the star in search of the Messiah:

Using motifs* from the Magi following the star to Bethlehem, in search of the Messiah, reflect on my life events that reveal my "discovering" of Christ.  *(North-Star, Journey, persistence through darkness, trusting a guide that is confirmed by evidence but yet requires trust to follow...)  What is my "North-Star"?  Valuing Life and having regard for the Person in each human-being.

This "North-Star" came to me through a dramatic, life-changing event when I was in high-school.  After having attempted suicide, I awoke!  I woke up!  I was aware that I had woken up!  I felt my hand on the plane of the quilt on my bed.  I felt how soft it was.  I thought "either I am in Heaven and Heaven is very soft, or I am alive on earth and I have woken up in my bed!"  Then I opened my eyes, and I was filled with over-whelming joy.  I was filled with the bliss of finding that I was alive!  Alive!  There is so much more to tell of that story -- all the particulars that led up to that moment, and that followed after.  But for now, I just want to sit with the memory of being aware of being alive!  The joy of being and awareness!  The memory of experiencing that awakening and opening of my eyes has never left me.  And for twelve years following, while I continued to struggle with on-going thoughts of suicide, I didn't attempt to end my life ever again.  I had given myself a gold wedding ring and promised myself to live.  To live my life.  To never give up.  The vow was simply to live.  And I thank God for that gift of conviction that Life is valuable simply for itself that it came to me on the heels of my darkest "hour".  I have often drawn strength from that memory and that living conviction within me.  So that is my personal "North-Star": Life, living.

That's much of the "reason" I am so convicted about the value of human life, of the sacred person in each human-being.  In my moment of feeling utter despair and even having attempted to throw my life away, I discovered the gift of valuing Life, my life -- not the circumstances or history or future of my life -- not my life story -- rather, simply my being.  My being alive.  Being alive here and now.  And if I can accept this gift for myself, how could I ever disregard the gift within each person?  (Even if they don't recognize the gift for themselves yet.)

This is also why I am not only inclined to enjoy process, but I am grateful for process; I am a lover of process.  I know I was born with a personality given toward INFP traits, but this particular experience shows me that there can be surprises around any corner and the process of seeing what's next is powerfully full of the possibility of great gift, great grace.

So my "North-Star" is Life and my journey to Christ is through Becoming, Awakening, Opening my eyes, Receiving Grace, enjoying the gift of Bliss.  I have persisted in valuing Life, choosing Life through many dark times, many deserts, hills, and valleys.  But ever after that serious suicide attempt, I've always trusted that Life is worth Living and that it is itself a Gift from God.  Will I find my Savior at the end of my life's Journey?  I believe so because He has already revealed Himself to me and is leading me Home.

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"