Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Family Constellation

Quick Sketch of an Idea I want to Explore:
In what way(s) (to what degree) do(e)s the dominant personality trait(s) of each of my siblings track the on-going development of my parents' own personal maturation and/or their parenting practises?

How I see each of my sibs at the moment:
Sibling     Gender     Dominant Interior Disposition     What they like to give     What they most want
S             M            Artist                                          Healing                          Acceptance
B             F             Artist                                          Creation/Free-Exploring Empowerment
J              F             Scientist                                      (Justice?) Provider         Approval
R             M            Scientist                                      Wholeness/Love            Deep Intimacy

And myself?  I am female but I also have a strong sense of a (male) "twin" within me.  (Was there actually a twin who died in the womb during pregnancy???  Or is it "just" my animus?)  I've long had a sense of JM.
I am most certainly the Artist (of that dichotomy).  And honestly, I think I have to recognize that as for the other observations, I'd have to say "all of the above" because, surely, my "observations" come at least as much from my own interior experience as they do from any objective observation.  But if I had to pick just one of each?  What I like most to give?  Empowerment (to myself and to others).  What I most want for myself?  Wholeness, because to me, that means Everything in "balance" and "complementarity."

How I see my parents?  I think Mom's most dominant trait while I was growing up was Self-Sufficiency, and Dad's was need to give and receive Love/Wholeness.  I think Dad imprinted on me more than Mom, but of course I experience the workings of both within me.

As I said at the beginning: this is just a SKETCH of an IDEA.  If I really want to learn much about this topic, I have much more investigation and pondering to do!  And, of course, it would be interesting to hear from my sibs their reflections on this, especially their responses to how I see them w/in the family-constellation.

I was prompted to reflect on these matters while reading Silf's Inner Compass, chapter 7, even though she doesn't write specifically about how our families have shaped our interior terrain.  I supposed I meandered off to this reflection because I think very often of how my experiences of family have shaped me and I think in terms of "terrain."  Meanwhile, Silf's motif for her book is that of "navigation" and this particular chapter uses many metaphors for "traveling" and discovering one's own interior "landscape."  (So, it was her language that spurred me.)  In any event, the content of my tangential wonderings and the content of her book really do relate inasmuch as they both have to do with Finding Our Way To/With God and that a substantive part of that is Understanding Ourselves.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Why Write?

Not feeling very good today.  Mostly emotional.  Mostly due to lack of purpose.  I want to write.  I want to write about my life.  I want to tell "my side of the story."  I want to tell the Sacred Story that is my life.  But why?  I don't know what the purpose for it is.  I'm fairly convinced that no-one cares about my story.  I doubt that anyone would find value in my story.  I know my Life is Worth beyond value because I know I am created by God and loved by God; God's Love created my being.  But how has the manifestation of my being, my course of choices, my responses to all that has happened to me and all that I've chosen, how do those details matter?  Do they matter?  What in them matters most?  What in them might matter to anyone beyond myself?  Have I made a positive difference in anyone else's life?  I'm sure I have positively impacted most/all of my students.  I have made choices in terms of my talents to use them in such a way that I contribute to the healthy development of children, and empowerment of their talents. 

But what about how I have overcome difficulties in my life?  Do people know anything about all that?  And of what they know, what do they interpret?  What message do they get from how I've lived my life? 

I think my story is made up of several significant threads: profound love; broken-ness; vulnerability; abuse/victimization; rebirth; blossoming; healing; forgiveness; continuing struggle w/ feeling alienated from "the world"; continuing persistence to embrace all that is Good, Beautiful, and True.
If I were to reduce all that to 2 or 3 motifs, which would I identify as most prominent?  Profoundly Vulnerable while Profoundly rooted in Love; struggle to make sense of the struggle!

The main reason I need to write is that I need to write.
Here are 3 more reasons I need to write:
I NEED to write.
I need to WRITE.
I NEED TO WRITE.
Also, I think I would like to be read.
But notice how clear I am about my own need to write, where-as I sound quite tentative regarding my desire to be read.  I ask all these questions about how others might read and interpret my story and the potential there-in, but I am so ambivalent about being read!  The NEED to write FOR ME persists.  So I let myself write this particular blog uncensored.  And I keep it "private."  The theory is that some day I might let select others read this, or I might lift portions to include in other blogs.  The basic presumption is that I use this as a way to cheer myself toward writing something I can let others read.  So the question is WHY do I want to be read?  WHO do I want to read my story?  Which reader(s) matter(s) to me?  Why do I think my story might be of value to them?  The only person I can think of and that I always think of in answer to this question is Tessa.  And why do I want her to know my story?  Because she is my closest relative of the next generation.  And she has expressed interest in wanting to know more about our family.  And I can see she has wounds too, and persists in choosing love and goodness, and I want to encourage her. 

I know that HOW I LIVE is the most important and clearest witness of whatever it is I have to testify to, but I also want to write because I want to reveal my thoughts.

One exercise in writing that would interest me is to explore how I think others might interpret my wordless examples of living.  What is my life-without-words saying?  Are there any words I can add to this that would contribute to or clarify the message?  Are the words I'd like to add in harmony with my actions? 

Jesus help me.
Jesu juva.
I really would like to glorify You, Abba.
Soli Deo gloria.

~ MLJMHC

Thursday, April 26, 2012

WaterMark

My life as a river:

Springing forth from my parents

in the field of strong family and tight faith tradition

moving in the direction of new horizons

flowing over the rocks of abuse and non-belonging

through the terrain of small-mindedness

encountering new flora and fauna

in the stimulating habitats of university

carving out new paths in pedagogy

stumbling through the rapids of loneliness

falling and crashing in the abyss of desire

pausing in the pools of home

growing into the lake of marriage and home-building

broadening into the sea of developing career and place in community

reaching the delta of new decisions

before arriving at my true destination: Ocean.