Why Write?

Not feeling very good today.  Mostly emotional.  Mostly due to lack of purpose.  I want to write.  I want to write about my life.  I want to tell "my side of the story."  I want to tell the Sacred Story that is my life.  But why?  I don't know what the purpose for it is.  I'm fairly convinced that no-one cares about my story.  I doubt that anyone would find value in my story.  I know my Life is Worth beyond value because I know I am created by God and loved by God; God's Love created my being.  But how has the manifestation of my being, my course of choices, my responses to all that has happened to me and all that I've chosen, how do those details matter?  Do they matter?  What in them matters most?  What in them might matter to anyone beyond myself?  Have I made a positive difference in anyone else's life?  I'm sure I have positively impacted most/all of my students.  I have made choices in terms of my talents to use them in such a way that I contribute to the healthy development of children, and empowerment of their talents. 

But what about how I have overcome difficulties in my life?  Do people know anything about all that?  And of what they know, what do they interpret?  What message do they get from how I've lived my life? 

I think my story is made up of several significant threads: profound love; broken-ness; vulnerability; abuse/victimization; rebirth; blossoming; healing; forgiveness; continuing struggle w/ feeling alienated from "the world"; continuing persistence to embrace all that is Good, Beautiful, and True.
If I were to reduce all that to 2 or 3 motifs, which would I identify as most prominent?  Profoundly Vulnerable while Profoundly rooted in Love; struggle to make sense of the struggle!

The main reason I need to write is that I need to write.
Here are 3 more reasons I need to write:
I NEED to write.
I need to WRITE.
I NEED TO WRITE.
Also, I think I would like to be read.
But notice how clear I am about my own need to write, where-as I sound quite tentative regarding my desire to be read.  I ask all these questions about how others might read and interpret my story and the potential there-in, but I am so ambivalent about being read!  The NEED to write FOR ME persists.  So I let myself write this particular blog uncensored.  And I keep it "private."  The theory is that some day I might let select others read this, or I might lift portions to include in other blogs.  The basic presumption is that I use this as a way to cheer myself toward writing something I can let others read.  So the question is WHY do I want to be read?  WHO do I want to read my story?  Which reader(s) matter(s) to me?  Why do I think my story might be of value to them?  The only person I can think of and that I always think of in answer to this question is Tessa.  And why do I want her to know my story?  Because she is my closest relative of the next generation.  And she has expressed interest in wanting to know more about our family.  And I can see she has wounds too, and persists in choosing love and goodness, and I want to encourage her. 

I know that HOW I LIVE is the most important and clearest witness of whatever it is I have to testify to, but I also want to write because I want to reveal my thoughts.

One exercise in writing that would interest me is to explore how I think others might interpret my wordless examples of living.  What is my life-without-words saying?  Are there any words I can add to this that would contribute to or clarify the message?  Are the words I'd like to add in harmony with my actions? 

Jesus help me.
Jesu juva.
I really would like to glorify You, Abba.
Soli Deo gloria.

~ MLJMHC

Yes! It's Your Eternal Sacred Self

Hello dear Hoo!,
Today you woke up feeling better than usual and yet you still find it so difficult to get anything done.  Why is this?  Is it because you are keeping yourself from doing what it is you really want most to do?  Probably.  Why do you keep yourself from writing?  Why is it so hard to let yourself tell your story?  I think I know why it is.  You have too many times been told you are wrong.  Or others have spoken over you.  Or simply ignored what you had to say.  Or were baffled.  They couldn't grasp the meaning or the significance.  It obviously didn't matter to them like it does to you.

So what?  Why is it you need someone else to value what you have to say?  Why do you need someone else to validate your experience?  Don't get me wrong; you're not the only one who often feels this way.  But is it really necessary?  Do you not value yourself and your experience and your understanding of it regardless of others ability or interest to do so or not?  I don't think you really do.  I think deepest down you are profoundly rooted, grounded in knowing your measureless worth and the value of your life-story.  I think that's why you are in a sense holding yourself hostage until you act accordingly.  So what is this impediment in the middle?  What is between you and your core?

Is it something you fear?  Let's look at this together.

Here are some of the things I can imagine you might fear:
1. You don't want to re-experience the emotions from remembering former events.
2  You don't want to see yourself so starkly in light of the past, and you especially don't want to define yourself in terms of the past.
3. You don't want to be rejected.
4. You don't want others to see you as damaged.
5. You're not sure what you can do with the anger that will inevitably re-surface.
6. And maybe you're not sure what value the past has even to yourself?

What is it you want to do with remembering the past?  What is it you want to make of your story?
To "set the record straight"?
To re-process it in light of who you are now, so you can "redeem" what you've suffered?
To do something creative with it somehow?
To help others avoid similar troubles?

Knowing you the way I do, I think you might find it most helpful to simply take all of this to the Lord in prayer.  I know that sounds so simplistic.  But take your blockage to the Lord.  Take your fears to the Cross.  Ask Jesus "what's the point?"  If you really let your Lord sort these things with you, maybe you will find that there are some things you can simply let go, and there are other things that can profitably be processed.  And who knows?  Maybe there will even be some surprises.  Maybe Jesus will help you remember some good and encouraging things.

Please, do this.  Do it soon, and do it concretely.  Write to Jesus, and let Him speak to you.  Let Him "write" to you through the Spirit, if you will.  Just see what happens.  You have nothing to lose; He's safe.

And then let me know how it went.  I am truly interested!
Your Eternal Sacred Self