The Lord's Love is Lavish!

This is a lovely Scripture song (based on Psalm 139:1-18) by Dan Schutte.  You likely won't hear it in Mass anymore because of revised rules for music in mass.  The reason given is, out of sensitivity to those of the Jewish faith, we refrain from speaking the LORD's Name aloud.  However we still do so when proclaiming Scripture.  Admittedly, I'm not really sure of all the details at work here. 

I'm sharing this song here because it came to mind when meditating on Psalm 139 while doing the devotional exercise from "Love/a guide for prayer" by Bergan & Schwan (pages 15-18). I highly recommend all their books form the Take and Receive series.

After meditating on Psalm 139, reading the given commentary, and entering into prayer, the exercise calls for reflecting on twelve significant events throughout my life.  I noted the following:

1. My conception!  My parents had planned to have only four children.  They were even using a form of contraception.  But the Lord had other plans!  They told me when I was quite young that I was the best surprise they were ever given.  The fact that they had not planned for me didn't make me feel less loved; I felt all the more loved because they impressed upon me that God wanted me to exist and they gratefully received me!  I remember fondly it was a story that I often asked my mother to tell me. 

2. A happy childhood.  Up until age ten I experienced a mostly idyllic childhood for which I am profoundly grateful.  This is when I was given a secure grounding in faith (conceiving God as a Loving Father Who created everything out of Love, relating with Jesus as my Savior and Best-Friend, some inkling of the Spirit, and a rock solid trust in the Truth of God's Word -- the Old & New Testaments).  I was also given a secure sense of belonging to loving parents.  Those two great gifts of grace were sufficient to carry me through my darkest times.

3. A year in Puerto Rico.  My experiences in Puerto Rico as a ten-year-old were life-changing.  My world-view was dramatically broadened, and because I was yet a child, this translated into most fundamentally conveying a sense that the earth is a marvelous place for adventure and I belong here!  Somehow, even though there was so much encounter with "other", because I received it all as glorious and enchanting discovery, I felt I had entered into an intimate experience with something big enough to stretch my imagination.

4. My baptism and reception as a member into the Mennonite Church.  Besides all the sacramental benefits of baptism itself, my experience of it was a great gift: I had a rather mystical awareness of the Spirit being born in me.  I felt the Fullness of the Holy Spirit.  I've never been given the Gift of Tongues, but I have had an abiding, supernatural (Grace) sense of the Spirit's in-dwelling, the Love that will not let me go; praise be Jesus!

5. The gifts of music, piano, teaching; talent and opportunity to develop and share those talents.

6.  Special times of God saving me physically, miraculously. (More* on that later!)

7. A particular prayer time of "Joy"!  I was given a mystical awareness of Christ's Presence within my soul, nearer to me than myself!

8. Waking up at St. Paul's Catholic Church in Madison, Wisconsin, both literally and figuratively!  (Again, more+ on that later!)

9. Becoming Catholic: my waking Vision of my inner Sacred-Circle, the relationships and process involved in BC, and the actual sacrament of Reception.  Glory be to the Father!...

10. Marriage with John.

11. Receiving the gifts of forgiveness and mercy more fully.

12. Learning to let go.

Free From Desire

"Seething mass of conflicting needs and hopes, dreams, dreads, and longings..."*  Really?  My issue these days is that I have no desires.  I feel dried up, literally and figuratively.  A while ago I had been praying consistently that the Lord would liberate me from any desire that isn't part of His Highest Will for me.  The only life-germ left in me is the firm valuing of life itself, and the desire to be dependent emotionally on nothing but Christ.  I guess the Lord has answered my prayer!  But it feels so strange.  I am not used to this!  Feeling passionate about nothing is new to me!  Is this what is meant by detachment?  I don't know, but I do believe this is what I might call a golden crux: a golden moment and posture of being open to Being but otherwise not obliged or compelled to anything.  This is the kind of freedom that requires much strength!  What will I do with this freedom?  That's the point: it's a real choice.  Jesu juva.

*Quote from Margaret Silf's Inner Compass, Chapter 8: The Deepest Desire.

Following The Star

In response to exercise suggested in Chapter 7 ("Making Our Way In The Dark") of Silf's Inner Compass which would have me imagine traveling with the Magi as they followed the star in search of the Messiah:

Using motifs* from the Magi following the star to Bethlehem, in search of the Messiah, reflect on my life events that reveal my "discovering" of Christ.  *(North-Star, Journey, persistence through darkness, trusting a guide that is confirmed by evidence but yet requires trust to follow...)  What is my "North-Star"?  Valuing Life and having regard for the Person in each human-being.

This "North-Star" came to me through a dramatic, life-changing event when I was in high-school.  After having attempted suicide, I awoke!  I woke up!  I was aware that I had woken up!  I felt my hand on the plane of the quilt on my bed.  I felt how soft it was.  I thought "either I am in Heaven and Heaven is very soft, or I am alive on earth and I have woken up in my bed!"  Then I opened my eyes, and I was filled with over-whelming joy.  I was filled with the bliss of finding that I was alive!  Alive!  There is so much more to tell of that story -- all the particulars that led up to that moment, and that followed after.  But for now, I just want to sit with the memory of being aware of being alive!  The joy of being and awareness!  The memory of experiencing that awakening and opening of my eyes has never left me.  And for twelve years following, while I continued to struggle with on-going thoughts of suicide, I didn't attempt to end my life ever again.  I had given myself a gold wedding ring and promised myself to live.  To live my life.  To never give up.  The vow was simply to live.  And I thank God for that gift of conviction that Life is valuable simply for itself that it came to me on the heels of my darkest "hour".  I have often drawn strength from that memory and that living conviction within me.  So that is my personal "North-Star": Life, living.

That's much of the "reason" I am so convicted about the value of human life, of the sacred person in each human-being.  In my moment of feeling utter despair and even having attempted to throw my life away, I discovered the gift of valuing Life, my life -- not the circumstances or history or future of my life -- not my life story -- rather, simply my being.  My being alive.  Being alive here and now.  And if I can accept this gift for myself, how could I ever disregard the gift within each person?  (Even if they don't recognize the gift for themselves yet.)

This is also why I am not only inclined to enjoy process, but I am grateful for process; I am a lover of process.  I know I was born with a personality given toward INFP traits, but this particular experience shows me that there can be surprises around any corner and the process of seeing what's next is powerfully full of the possibility of great gift, great grace.

So my "North-Star" is Life and my journey to Christ is through Becoming, Awakening, Opening my eyes, Receiving Grace, enjoying the gift of Bliss.  I have persisted in valuing Life, choosing Life through many dark times, many deserts, hills, and valleys.  But ever after that serious suicide attempt, I've always trusted that Life is worth Living and that it is itself a Gift from God.  Will I find my Savior at the end of my life's Journey?  I believe so because He has already revealed Himself to me and is leading me Home.

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"

Companions on my Journey

Who have been my travel companions on my "Magi Journey"?  Parents, pastors, teachers, mentors, people who have helped me find my way to a more intimate relationship with Christ.  I would say most especially my parents, and KB in Madison.  How did they help me?  Primarily by the example of seeking and then living what they find.  Seeking to know God by studying Scripture, by daily prayer, and by yielding their will to the Spirit.  Living their understanding of true discipleship, no matter the cost.  They also encouraged me to do the same kind of seeking and obeying, even if the particulars for me were different from the particulars for them.  That is a hugely significant thing because some parents/teachers/leaders would have their children/students/followers conform to their own particulars, but I was blessed to have Christ-models who modeled for me primarily discernment.  Thanks be to God! 

Who threatened me on my journey or the course of my path?  Those who harmed, abused, or bullied me.  Those who ignored opportunities to help.  I still feel some significant bitterness when I remember those kinds of experiences, so, clearly, I have more forgiving to do!  But I have also always marveled at how the Lord has never let others' bad wills/actions thwart His own intention to bless me, AND (and this is really incredible) the Lord doesn't let anything go to waste!  God uses everything in my life for my good and for His glory.  Scriptures promise He will do this, but I still find it to be amazing and cause for much rejoicing when I see Him actually doing it.

That's why I don't condemn myself for continuing to process whatever more I need to forgive.  The Lord is growing my spirit.  The Lord gives me ways and opportunities for healing, and it comes in stages.  So the Spirit confronts me with a bit of something, we chew on it, process it as thoroughly as possible for that time, I heal, I forgive, I grow.  Then at another time, we do it all again, only deeper in my soul.  The Lord is growing my spirit to have a more intimate relationship with His, with Him.

When I imagine arriving where my North-Star has come to rest, I see Heaven.  I see Jesus greeting me with open arms and all of Heaven behind Him rejoicing.  "Welcome my beloved!  Welcome Home!"  When I consider the complete healing I will experience in Heaven, the wholeness-in-Christ that makes all hurts harmless, why can I not assume that now?  Because I'm not there yet.  And that reality is significant.  But I can claim the hope.  And that hope is also significant; it also has substance.  So, in hope, I can hold a Joy that feeds me and that heals me.

Lord Jesus, help me co-operate with the healing You want to accomplish in me today.  Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit; as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be; world without end.  Amen.  And amen! ♡

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"

Tantalizing Territory

There must be something magnetic about our north-western slope; the neighborhood cats are gathering there today!  First I noticed my big boy, tuxedo-kitty, Diego had made himself a little nest along the northern fence and was watching something.  Soon I saw what looked too much like a bobcat!  I think it's a domestic "tiger" kitty, but it's HUGE!  And it stalks like a wild Big Cat.  It had its eye on the northwest corner of the pole-barn and took up its "king-of-the-hill" position where it can command a nearly panoramic view.  Diego then took a circuitous route to a protected spot between our back-deck and a tree.  The two fat cats watched each other for quite some time.  I was doing things in the house, but I kept watch for Diego whenever I passed by a window.  After a while, Percy (my calico) wanted to go out the front door.  Soon after, I spotted her in the back yard looking at the other two cats, but she had the good sense to come back in when she saw me at the deck-door.

Some time later I noticed the big "tiger" that I've nick-named Big-Bob, had adjusted his position to the north side of the pole-barn.  At some point, I persuaded Diego to come in, but he only ate briefly and begged to go back out.  Big-Bob was no longer in sight.  Diego took up the "king-of-the-hill" position Big-Bob had abandoned.  But I looked toward the western part of the yard where it slopes most steeply and now I saw two big cats coming up the slope!!!  Two!  Both of them very large kitties!  And both of them running toward my house!  Even though they are just cats, I have to admit my heart gave a little leap of alarm!  I immediately looked to see how Diego might be responding, and he was running towards them!!!  Clearly he wants to make friends?  However, once the neighbor kitties saw Diego, they change course back to their house.  Actually, I don't know where they live or if they even know each other.  The more Diego approached them, the more they receded.

John has been faithfully keeping our birds fed with a large outdoor feeder.  Do the cats want to come because they hope to hunt the birds?  Or is it the view?  I often saw our dogs station themselves at the crest of the north-west slope and apparently enjoy watching the sunset!  Both our Sheltie-Beagle and our Beagle.  They would just sit and gaze until we called them in for bed-time!  I'll have to keep an eye on the cat situation however, because, twice now, Diego has come in with a minor bite or scratch on him.  I always thought it was from tussling with Percy.  Now I wonder.

Family Constellation

Quick Sketch of an Idea I want to Explore:
In what way(s) (to what degree) do(e)s the dominant personality trait(s) of each of my siblings track the on-going development of my parents' own personal maturation and/or their parenting practises?

How I see each of my sibs at the moment:
Sibling     Gender     Dominant Interior Disposition     What they like to give     What they most want
S             M            Artist                                          Healing                          Acceptance
B             F             Artist                                          Creation/Free-Exploring Empowerment
J              F             Scientist                                      (Justice?) Provider         Approval
R             M            Scientist                                      Wholeness/Love            Deep Intimacy

And myself?  I am female but I also have a strong sense of a (male) "twin" within me.  (Was there actually a twin who died in the womb during pregnancy???  Or is it "just" my animus?)  I've long had a sense of JM.
I am most certainly the Artist (of that dichotomy).  And honestly, I think I have to recognize that as for the other observations, I'd have to say "all of the above" because, surely, my "observations" come at least as much from my own interior experience as they do from any objective observation.  But if I had to pick just one of each?  What I like most to give?  Empowerment (to myself and to others).  What I most want for myself?  Wholeness, because to me, that means Everything in "balance" and "complementarity."

How I see my parents?  I think Mom's most dominant trait while I was growing up was Self-Sufficiency, and Dad's was need to give and receive Love/Wholeness.  I think Dad imprinted on me more than Mom, but of course I experience the workings of both within me.

As I said at the beginning: this is just a SKETCH of an IDEA.  If I really want to learn much about this topic, I have much more investigation and pondering to do!  And, of course, it would be interesting to hear from my sibs their reflections on this, especially their responses to how I see them w/in the family-constellation.

I was prompted to reflect on these matters while reading Silf's Inner Compass, chapter 7, even though she doesn't write specifically about how our families have shaped our interior terrain.  I supposed I meandered off to this reflection because I think very often of how my experiences of family have shaped me and I think in terms of "terrain."  Meanwhile, Silf's motif for her book is that of "navigation" and this particular chapter uses many metaphors for "traveling" and discovering one's own interior "landscape."  (So, it was her language that spurred me.)  In any event, the content of my tangential wonderings and the content of her book really do relate inasmuch as they both have to do with Finding Our Way To/With God and that a substantive part of that is Understanding Ourselves.

New Settings New Chapter

Today I adjusted the settings for this blog to public and to allow anyone to comment.  It's as if something in me has clicked and I simply want to write and be read and hear how others respond to my expression of myself and experiences.  The "click" in my soul was a "small detent."  I.e. it was a very "narrow line" something within me needed to "cross over" and it did, she did, I did.  It seems a little bit funny that a soul can be so finely tuned that the smallest movement can make one ready (or not) for opening up to something new, or to ready one's self for more birthing...  I'm speaking in so many metaphors!  What is it I really mean? 

I've been reviewing my life by reading my own writings in various sources, and then went to a family reunion and then had a "normal" week at home, and woke up today feeling simply ready to write, and more to the point: ready to be read.

Did anything in particular happen this morning?  No.  I just feel that I have let go of one layer of resistance to something, or one layer of "caring." 

When I think I am protecting myself, am I also trying to protect anyone else?  And when I think I am trying to protect someone else, am I also trying to protect myself?  I think the fact that I'm not as sure as I'd like to be about the answers to those questions tells me that the deeper issue is my own self-definition. 

I am SO good at identifying with others, sympathizing with them, empathizing with them, feeling what they feel, working to understand their perspective.  But I'm not so good at trusting others to do the same for me.  The first and obvious reason why that is so is because when I was young, I was too trusting, and too often that trust was abused. 

Now, who do I REALLY trust?  There are really only a very few people I can name that I would trust with my self, my person, my soul.  At the top of the list is my husband.  That would surprise some people given how rocky our relationship has been.  But maybe it's BECAUSE our relationship has been "rocky."  It's been rocky because we have been Real with each other.  It turns out we both have some very rough edges, so in being real, there has been conflict.  But we have found that we truly love each other: rough edges and all. 

I think, for me, that is what is actually necessary for me to really trust someone.  I have to experience their worst version of their self and I have to experience them witnessing my worst version of my self.  And through it all I have to discover that I still accept them and they still accept me. 

In marriage, this level of unconditional acceptance is profoundly liberating.  Unconditional love is more likely to grow where there is rock-solid acceptance.

In friendship, we tend to expect unconditional acceptance, but it isn't really always there.  And in fact, I think many friends actually put subliminal conditions on each other.  When I have experienced this, I either call it out and we both accept that that is so, or we quit being friends.  Or, if I find that I can't call it out, then I simply drift away.  I just can't tolerate much conformity, and I can't abide any domination or manipulation where I expect equality.

So how do these musings regarding relationships relate to my feelings about writing and being read?  My goal in writing is to first and foremost to always be True.  I want to be Honest about myself as much as possible without betraying others' privacy.  So when I need to name others, I will use an initial or some general descriptor.  Another goal for me in writing is to move my own discovery process forward.  This is when I might feel most vulnerable.  Readers could so easily judge my process, and to me, process is nearly holy! 

Obviously, this is an experiment.  But I consider most of living an experiment.  At least, that's often how I prefer to live!

So here we go!  Hello, dear Reader, welcome to my world!  I welcome your comments.  I hope what you write to me will be respectful.  Of course, I always reserve the right to delete any comments I deem unworthy of my blog, but I hope there will be some regular readers who will offer their thoughts in meaningful dialogue with mine.