Free From Desire

"Seething mass of conflicting needs and hopes, dreams, dreads, and longings..."*  Really?  My issue these days is that I have no desires.  I feel dried up, literally and figuratively.  A while ago I had been praying consistently that the Lord would liberate me from any desire that isn't part of His Highest Will for me.  The only life-germ left in me is the firm valuing of life itself, and the desire to be dependent emotionally on nothing but Christ.  I guess the Lord has answered my prayer!  But it feels so strange.  I am not used to this!  Feeling passionate about nothing is new to me!  Is this what is meant by detachment?  I don't know, but I do believe this is what I might call a golden crux: a golden moment and posture of being open to Being but otherwise not obliged or compelled to anything.  This is the kind of freedom that requires much strength!  What will I do with this freedom?  That's the point: it's a real choice.  Jesu juva.

*Quote from Margaret Silf's Inner Compass, Chapter 8: The Deepest Desire.

Following The Star

In response to exercise suggested in Chapter 7 ("Making Our Way In The Dark") of Silf's Inner Compass which would have me imagine traveling with the Magi as they followed the star in search of the Messiah:

Using motifs* from the Magi following the star to Bethlehem, in search of the Messiah, reflect on my life events that reveal my "discovering" of Christ.  *(North-Star, Journey, persistence through darkness, trusting a guide that is confirmed by evidence but yet requires trust to follow...)  What is my "North-Star"?  Valuing Life and having regard for the Person in each human-being.

This "North-Star" came to me through a dramatic, life-changing event when I was in high-school.  After having attempted suicide, I awoke!  I woke up!  I was aware that I had woken up!  I felt my hand on the plane of the quilt on my bed.  I felt how soft it was.  I thought "either I am in Heaven and Heaven is very soft, or I am alive on earth and I have woken up in my bed!"  Then I opened my eyes, and I was filled with over-whelming joy.  I was filled with the bliss of finding that I was alive!  Alive!  There is so much more to tell of that story -- all the particulars that led up to that moment, and that followed after.  But for now, I just want to sit with the memory of being aware of being alive!  The joy of being and awareness!  The memory of experiencing that awakening and opening of my eyes has never left me.  And for twelve years following, while I continued to struggle with on-going thoughts of suicide, I didn't attempt to end my life ever again.  I had given myself a gold wedding ring and promised myself to live.  To live my life.  To never give up.  The vow was simply to live.  And I thank God for that gift of conviction that Life is valuable simply for itself that it came to me on the heels of my darkest "hour".  I have often drawn strength from that memory and that living conviction within me.  So that is my personal "North-Star": Life, living.

That's much of the "reason" I am so convicted about the value of human life, of the sacred person in each human-being.  In my moment of feeling utter despair and even having attempted to throw my life away, I discovered the gift of valuing Life, my life -- not the circumstances or history or future of my life -- not my life story -- rather, simply my being.  My being alive.  Being alive here and now.  And if I can accept this gift for myself, how could I ever disregard the gift within each person?  (Even if they don't recognize the gift for themselves yet.)

This is also why I am not only inclined to enjoy process, but I am grateful for process; I am a lover of process.  I know I was born with a personality given toward INFP traits, but this particular experience shows me that there can be surprises around any corner and the process of seeing what's next is powerfully full of the possibility of great gift, great grace.

So my "North-Star" is Life and my journey to Christ is through Becoming, Awakening, Opening my eyes, Receiving Grace, enjoying the gift of Bliss.  I have persisted in valuing Life, choosing Life through many dark times, many deserts, hills, and valleys.  But ever after that serious suicide attempt, I've always trusted that Life is worth Living and that it is itself a Gift from God.  Will I find my Savior at the end of my life's Journey?  I believe so because He has already revealed Himself to me and is leading me Home.

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"

Companions on my Journey

Who have been my travel companions on my "Magi Journey"?  Parents, pastors, teachers, mentors, people who have helped me find my way to a more intimate relationship with Christ.  I would say most especially my parents, and KB in Madison.  How did they help me?  Primarily by the example of seeking and then living what they find.  Seeking to know God by studying Scripture, by daily prayer, and by yielding their will to the Spirit.  Living their understanding of true discipleship, no matter the cost.  They also encouraged me to do the same kind of seeking and obeying, even if the particulars for me were different from the particulars for them.  That is a hugely significant thing because some parents/teachers/leaders would have their children/students/followers conform to their own particulars, but I was blessed to have Christ-models who modeled for me primarily discernment.  Thanks be to God! 

Who threatened me on my journey or the course of my path?  Those who harmed, abused, or bullied me.  Those who ignored opportunities to help.  I still feel some significant bitterness when I remember those kinds of experiences, so, clearly, I have more forgiving to do!  But I have also always marveled at how the Lord has never let others' bad wills/actions thwart His own intention to bless me, AND (and this is really incredible) the Lord doesn't let anything go to waste!  God uses everything in my life for my good and for His glory.  Scriptures promise He will do this, but I still find it to be amazing and cause for much rejoicing when I see Him actually doing it.

That's why I don't condemn myself for continuing to process whatever more I need to forgive.  The Lord is growing my spirit.  The Lord gives me ways and opportunities for healing, and it comes in stages.  So the Spirit confronts me with a bit of something, we chew on it, process it as thoroughly as possible for that time, I heal, I forgive, I grow.  Then at another time, we do it all again, only deeper in my soul.  The Lord is growing my spirit to have a more intimate relationship with His, with Him.

When I imagine arriving where my North-Star has come to rest, I see Heaven.  I see Jesus greeting me with open arms and all of Heaven behind Him rejoicing.  "Welcome my beloved!  Welcome Home!"  When I consider the complete healing I will experience in Heaven, the wholeness-in-Christ that makes all hurts harmless, why can I not assume that now?  Because I'm not there yet.  And that reality is significant.  But I can claim the hope.  And that hope is also significant; it also has substance.  So, in hope, I can hold a Joy that feeds me and that heals me.

Lord Jesus, help me co-operate with the healing You want to accomplish in me today.  Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit; as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be; world without end.  Amen.  And amen! ♡

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"

Tantalizing Territory

There must be something magnetic about our north-western slope; the neighborhood cats are gathering there today!  First I noticed my big boy, tuxedo-kitty, Diego had made himself a little nest along the northern fence and was watching something.  Soon I saw what looked too much like a bobcat!  I think it's a domestic "tiger" kitty, but it's HUGE!  And it stalks like a wild Big Cat.  It had its eye on the northwest corner of the pole-barn and took up its "king-of-the-hill" position where it can command a nearly panoramic view.  Diego then took a circuitous route to a protected spot between our back-deck and a tree.  The two fat cats watched each other for quite some time.  I was doing things in the house, but I kept watch for Diego whenever I passed by a window.  After a while, Percy (my calico) wanted to go out the front door.  Soon after, I spotted her in the back yard looking at the other two cats, but she had the good sense to come back in when she saw me at the deck-door.

Some time later I noticed the big "tiger" that I've nick-named Big-Bob, had adjusted his position to the north side of the pole-barn.  At some point, I persuaded Diego to come in, but he only ate briefly and begged to go back out.  Big-Bob was no longer in sight.  Diego took up the "king-of-the-hill" position Big-Bob had abandoned.  But I looked toward the western part of the yard where it slopes most steeply and now I saw two big cats coming up the slope!!!  Two!  Both of them very large kitties!  And both of them running toward my house!  Even though they are just cats, I have to admit my heart gave a little leap of alarm!  I immediately looked to see how Diego might be responding, and he was running towards them!!!  Clearly he wants to make friends?  However, once the neighbor kitties saw Diego, they change course back to their house.  Actually, I don't know where they live or if they even know each other.  The more Diego approached them, the more they receded.

John has been faithfully keeping our birds fed with a large outdoor feeder.  Do the cats want to come because they hope to hunt the birds?  Or is it the view?  I often saw our dogs station themselves at the crest of the north-west slope and apparently enjoy watching the sunset!  Both our Sheltie-Beagle and our Beagle.  They would just sit and gaze until we called them in for bed-time!  I'll have to keep an eye on the cat situation however, because, twice now, Diego has come in with a minor bite or scratch on him.  I always thought it was from tussling with Percy.  Now I wonder.

Family Constellation

Quick Sketch of an Idea I want to Explore:
In what way(s) (to what degree) do(e)s the dominant personality trait(s) of each of my siblings track the on-going development of my parents' own personal maturation and/or their parenting practises?

How I see each of my sibs at the moment:
Sibling     Gender     Dominant Interior Disposition     What they like to give     What they most want
S             M            Artist                                          Healing                          Acceptance
B             F             Artist                                          Creation/Free-Exploring Empowerment
J              F             Scientist                                      (Justice?) Provider         Approval
R             M            Scientist                                      Wholeness/Love            Deep Intimacy

And myself?  I am female but I also have a strong sense of a (male) "twin" within me.  (Was there actually a twin who died in the womb during pregnancy???  Or is it "just" my animus?)  I've long had a sense of JM.
I am most certainly the Artist (of that dichotomy).  And honestly, I think I have to recognize that as for the other observations, I'd have to say "all of the above" because, surely, my "observations" come at least as much from my own interior experience as they do from any objective observation.  But if I had to pick just one of each?  What I like most to give?  Empowerment (to myself and to others).  What I most want for myself?  Wholeness, because to me, that means Everything in "balance" and "complementarity."

How I see my parents?  I think Mom's most dominant trait while I was growing up was Self-Sufficiency, and Dad's was need to give and receive Love/Wholeness.  I think Dad imprinted on me more than Mom, but of course I experience the workings of both within me.

As I said at the beginning: this is just a SKETCH of an IDEA.  If I really want to learn much about this topic, I have much more investigation and pondering to do!  And, of course, it would be interesting to hear from my sibs their reflections on this, especially their responses to how I see them w/in the family-constellation.

I was prompted to reflect on these matters while reading Silf's Inner Compass, chapter 7, even though she doesn't write specifically about how our families have shaped our interior terrain.  I supposed I meandered off to this reflection because I think very often of how my experiences of family have shaped me and I think in terms of "terrain."  Meanwhile, Silf's motif for her book is that of "navigation" and this particular chapter uses many metaphors for "traveling" and discovering one's own interior "landscape."  (So, it was her language that spurred me.)  In any event, the content of my tangential wonderings and the content of her book really do relate inasmuch as they both have to do with Finding Our Way To/With God and that a substantive part of that is Understanding Ourselves.

New Settings New Chapter

Today I adjusted the settings for this blog to public and to allow anyone to comment.  It's as if something in me has clicked and I simply want to write and be read and hear how others respond to my expression of myself and experiences.  The "click" in my soul was a "small detent."  I.e. it was a very "narrow line" something within me needed to "cross over" and it did, she did, I did.  It seems a little bit funny that a soul can be so finely tuned that the smallest movement can make one ready (or not) for opening up to something new, or to ready one's self for more birthing...  I'm speaking in so many metaphors!  What is it I really mean? 

I've been reviewing my life by reading my own writings in various sources, and then went to a family reunion and then had a "normal" week at home, and woke up today feeling simply ready to write, and more to the point: ready to be read.

Did anything in particular happen this morning?  No.  I just feel that I have let go of one layer of resistance to something, or one layer of "caring." 

When I think I am protecting myself, am I also trying to protect anyone else?  And when I think I am trying to protect someone else, am I also trying to protect myself?  I think the fact that I'm not as sure as I'd like to be about the answers to those questions tells me that the deeper issue is my own self-definition. 

I am SO good at identifying with others, sympathizing with them, empathizing with them, feeling what they feel, working to understand their perspective.  But I'm not so good at trusting others to do the same for me.  The first and obvious reason why that is so is because when I was young, I was too trusting, and too often that trust was abused. 

Now, who do I REALLY trust?  There are really only a very few people I can name that I would trust with my self, my person, my soul.  At the top of the list is my husband.  That would surprise some people given how rocky our relationship has been.  But maybe it's BECAUSE our relationship has been "rocky."  It's been rocky because we have been Real with each other.  It turns out we both have some very rough edges, so in being real, there has been conflict.  But we have found that we truly love each other: rough edges and all. 

I think, for me, that is what is actually necessary for me to really trust someone.  I have to experience their worst version of their self and I have to experience them witnessing my worst version of my self.  And through it all I have to discover that I still accept them and they still accept me. 

In marriage, this level of unconditional acceptance is profoundly liberating.  Unconditional love is more likely to grow where there is rock-solid acceptance.

In friendship, we tend to expect unconditional acceptance, but it isn't really always there.  And in fact, I think many friends actually put subliminal conditions on each other.  When I have experienced this, I either call it out and we both accept that that is so, or we quit being friends.  Or, if I find that I can't call it out, then I simply drift away.  I just can't tolerate much conformity, and I can't abide any domination or manipulation where I expect equality.

So how do these musings regarding relationships relate to my feelings about writing and being read?  My goal in writing is to first and foremost to always be True.  I want to be Honest about myself as much as possible without betraying others' privacy.  So when I need to name others, I will use an initial or some general descriptor.  Another goal for me in writing is to move my own discovery process forward.  This is when I might feel most vulnerable.  Readers could so easily judge my process, and to me, process is nearly holy! 

Obviously, this is an experiment.  But I consider most of living an experiment.  At least, that's often how I prefer to live!

So here we go!  Hello, dear Reader, welcome to my world!  I welcome your comments.  I hope what you write to me will be respectful.  Of course, I always reserve the right to delete any comments I deem unworthy of my blog, but I hope there will be some regular readers who will offer their thoughts in meaningful dialogue with mine. 

Ordinary Day

Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 6: Tracking Our Moods
I just can't seem to "get into" this chapter or find a way to make it useful to myself, but I don't want to skip it, so I'm just going to "push through" the questions and suggestions on pages 90-95.  Here goes!

Choose a phrase/mantra:
Jesu juva!

Stillness.
Thankfulness:
I am thankful for a dryer that works, for the energy to wash/dry/fold/put-away clothes, for clothes to wear, for a home, in the country.
I am thankful for trees, blue sky, that God created the world full of growing things.
I am thankful for our two kitty-cats: Diego and Percy.
I am thankful for all my/our past pets.
I am thankful for animals in general.
Thank You Lord for wild things.
Thank You Lord also for people, especially my husband.

Light-seeking.  How has God helped me see/ understand how His Love has been working within me today?
My attitude of gratitude is God's Grace at work within me.  There is so much for which I could have various intense negative attitudes, but God helps me see good somewhere, somehow, all the time.  Thank You, Lord.

Reflection:
How was I drawn to God today?  I'm always conversing with God.  Today I have wondered about the people of our nation; I have prayed for many.  I have also been thanking God that I am able to go up and down stairs multiple times doing laundry!  I used to feel frustrated that I can't organize my laundry room where and how I want.  Now I am grateful that I get some exercise woven into this task!
Have I learned anything today about God and His ways?  One thing I keep learning about God is that He is patient.  I also notice that Christians I respect keep confirming that Truth and Love must go hand-in-hand.
When/how have I needed God today?  I draw strength from the Holy Spirit to not despair about all the evil in the world; I keep faith in God by drawing hope through the active sustenance of the Holy Spirit.  I ask the Lord for faith, trust, perseverance in Love, and He gives it to me.
The Lord's Word "came alive" for me when I sought out His Word regarding hating the sin and loving the sinner.  I believe it is the Spirit that prompts me to seek and it is the Spirit that helps me find, and altogether it is the initiative of my Loving Abba-Creator-Lord.  Praise be Jesus!
Did I share Christ w/ others today?  I had a nice interaction w/ a priest on twitter!
I also have brought laughter into a conversation with my husband that could have been antagonistic.
Have I been a sign of God's Presence today?  I don't know, I suppose so, the priest on twitter thanked me for our exchange and blessed me!
How have I sensed God's Presence today?  In His Word, in my heart, in His provisions, in my thoughts, in the example of other faithful believers.
Have I shown/received love today?  My husband says he feels loved when I do his laundry and that I fold it neatly and put it away.  (As opposed to balling it up and shoving it somewhere!  --Like he would do if left to his own devices.  LOL)
Have I felt God absent today?  No.  Thanks be to God!
Have I felt peace or turmoil?  When? How? Why? And how did I respond?  I feel turmoil or agitation when I encounter much of what the world produces, but I seek and choose the Lord's Peace because I know I abide in Him and His Peace is always available to me.
Another odd thing that has brought me delight today is a lovely scent wafting around me.  I think it is the gentle perfume I spritzed on this morning, but I have been smelling it most fragrantly and juicy-ly while I think about God's Goodness!  I've had these aroma experiences before, and some of them have been inexplicable, apparently mystical, during times of prayer.  I don't know how to think about these things.  I've not read about them.  I only know that there have been times when I suddenly smell a beautiful aroma.  A couple of times it was the scent of sweet meat, as if grilling!  Those were times when I was praying for my dad and thanking the Lord for him and asking the Lord for his healing and wholeness.  Other times it has been the scent of roses.  This time it is the fragrance of something sweet and somewhat juicy!
Has God called or nudged me in any particular way today?  Yes, to be grateful for ordinary things and to relax and simply enjoy the uneventful-ness of an ordinary day.
For what would I especially like to thank God today?  For ordinary living.  Thank You, Jesus, simply for life.

Sorrow?  Not today, today I haven't been over-whelmed with sorrow, and in all things I've chosen to focus on for whatever I can be grateful.

Hopefulness: I look forward to how the Lord will lead me tomorrow.  Yes, indeed!

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 6 "Tracking Our Moods"

Peace In Christ

Today I write for personal need.
I have finally cleared a spot on the dining room table where I can write.  I'm using maybe a quarter of the space or a little less.  This is a long, narrow, lovely table from John's family.  It's made of wood that looks to me like walnut.  It has two wide boards for extending the length that can be taken out or inserted, but the support system is remarkable: very hefty steel frames or sliders (not sure what to call them) that nest within themselves when not fully extended.  When collapsed the table is a nearly-round oval.  But I usually keep it fully extended.  I like the over-long, over-narrow proportions.  I think the styling if from the 1950's: the legs are squared and tapered and the top has black-stain trimming the top and bottom edges of the surface.  There were six chairs that came with the table, but most of them need repair and are currently stored in our pole-barn.  I'm sitting on Mom's "sewing chair" as I write this.  I call it her sewing chair because she used it at her sewing machine.  It could just as easily be called a music chair because the back has a lyre in the design.

I have a red-lacquered rectangular tray on a massive cotton doily in the center of the table.  The tray holds one of Mom's old hurricane lamps plus some decorations I've quickly gathered today: three little decorative bowls with faux-grass holding one, three, and six glass eggs.  I'm gearing up for Lent-Easter.  The fourth corner holds a green-glass tumbler with a votive candle burning inside.  I'm not sure what-else I want to add to the tray.  I think it needs some pussy-willow branches, or something like that; something I can gather from my own yard would be even better.  Right now the only greens I could harvest would be trimmings from our ever-green bushes or from the bamboo; however, I like leaving the bamboo in place as shelter for the birds throughout winter.  The foundational bushes I'm referring to started out so very tiny and I thought they would never grow big enough to fill their space, but they are definitely over-grown by now, smashing their branches up against the window-panes!

I have CD's playing in the background on a five-CD-turnstile player, hooked into Mom and Dad's old stereo, because the speakers are so nice.  The CD currently playing is Dave Brubeck's Love Songs.

Now to why I NEED to write today.  Because I am so excruciatingly melancholy!  Whenever I use the word excruciating I think of one of my high-school English teachers.  As I recall, he was newly graduated from college, dressed very smartly (which was attractive), but his attitude was persistently smug (which was dispicable), and he didn't believe I could possibly know what excruciating meant.  I never let him win an argument with me; I always stood up for myself.  I am amazed that I did so, because that was not my norm in those days.  I was easily bullied.  I was an easy target, and I simply turned the other cheek or walked away or let myself be further taken advantage of or victimized.  But when it was an intellectual matter, I was somehow able to assert myself.  I knew what I knew, and I believed so much in The Truth, that I didn't even question whether or not I should or could "defend" my position; I simply represented what I believed to be True and stood by it, never retreating.

Looking back, I think that's why I was treated too much like an adult too soon.  My mental capacity was developed far beyond my years, and so many other aspects of my self were under-developed compared to my peers.

In any event, I certainly know what "excruciating" means, both from having read a dictionary (!), and from having experienced life.  I would think that anyone who knows anything about any teenager would learn that teenagers above all others likely know what "excruciating" means!

So why am I in such pain today?  It's still the same thing that it's been from some time now.  I'm just not SURE of my purpose for this particular chapter of my life.  I suppose one could just as easily say I'm bored!  I say that because their are certainly things I need to do and that have purpose and that can do me good and can do others good, all of which are factors in how I define one's life-purpose.  So I guess, more to the point, I'm hungreing for a new-ish Mission.

My main "vocation" in life is as a Believer in the Lord-God-Creator and Adorer and Lover of Jesus-Christ.  Within that central calling I also a wife and have embraced the challenge of becoming one with another human-being.  The Lord has also given me gifts as a musician and a teacher, so I view my work as a Piano Teacher as a true "vocation" from the Lord.  It's not just a hobby or job or even career, although I have made a career of it.  I consider it a vocation because I know that I bring my whole self to it and I love and serve the whole-person of each student, to the best of my ability.  This gives me profound satisfaction because this is one way in which I can serve our larger society: I can help the next generation become well-rounded persons.  Because of how I design my approach, I also get to work with  their parents, and I treasure the opportunity to support the parent-child relationship.  I also love that our central work is Listening!  What a great Life-Lesson for each of us!

But I also have this persistent gnawing within myself, a longing to Do Something More, and really I think it is simply Writing, but I have this huge internal road-block telling me my Voice isn't worth anything to anyone else.

Wow.  That is so sad.  If it were anyone else I would be SO very encouraging to them to share their story -- whatever it is.  I am a big believer in the value of personal Story.

So why am I so squelching to myself?

Even trying to find the right verb for that question was difficult.

What is it I am doing when I censor myself?

I am definitely afraid of something.

What is it I am afraid of?

Rejection from others?

Pff!  I don't even want any argument, let alone rejection!  I want my expression of my experience to stand for itself and to be honored for my experience.  This is, I'm sure, a very common struggle for everyone who has experienced any form of abuse/victimization as a child/youth and wasn't able to seek/find help at the time.  Our voices then, when we really needed voices and we really needed to be heard, our voices then were silenced.  They were silenced before we could utter hardly a word or a gesture or a sign of need.

My cries for help took the form of cutting myself.  But no-one ever noticed.  I had to deliberately show my scars to those I did; I was too good at hiding or being invisible.

Well, this is where I am inclined to deflect away from this thread of memory.  I didn't sit down wanting to write about this particular experience.  What am I supposed to do with these memories?  What value does having survived this experience have now?  My story could probably be of use to pre-/teens who are now struggling with thoughts of self-harm.  But who are the other adults I could trust who serve those teens?  And how could those adults utilize my experience?  I am still too wounded to work directly with youth who are in crisis.

That's why I think writing could be a way for my story to possibly be useful to others.  Because as a story it can be Used as a Tool or Example for who-ever wants to, but it is not dependent upon my presence/role as a Therapist or whatever.

"La Paloma Azul" is what is playing right now, and I LOVE it!

But is it only my experiences of harm/ pain that is of potential value to others?  I'd like to believe that my whole-life story is somehow valuable to at least a few others!

Well, I think it's time to focus on what I thought I would ponder when I first sat down to write:
I'm trying to work my way through Silf"s "Inner Compass" Chapter 5 Prayer and Reflection Suggestions.
1. Meditate on Numbers 6:24-26 -- "May Yahweh bless you and keep you.  May Yahweh let his face shine on you and be gracious to you.  May Yahweh uncover his face to you and bring you peace."
I wrote this as it appears in Silf's book.  I don't know what translation this is but "uncover" was new to me.  I am used to "life up His countenance upon you".
This is the blessing the Lord gave to Moses to give to Aaron to bless the Levites with, for a "priestly blessing."  I think I have that right; I'll look it up soon to be sure.  Meanwhile, I am glad and grateful to remember that Dad really liked this blessing and always had a version of it framed and hanging in his office.  I now have one of his parchment-like posters with this verse hanging in my studio.  Even as a child I liked the "and keep you" part.  I've always trusted Abba to keep me.  I trust the Holy Spirit to keep me and sustain me.

The idea of God's face SHINING is such a beautiful image.  Scripture tells us that Moses' face shone so brightly, after being in God's presence, that, when Moses came down from the mountain, the Israelites couldn't bear to look at him, he shone so brightly!  I always wondered about this -- what would this look like?  How could it be?  Until I had a similar, albeit less dramatic experience.

When I was a student in Madison, Wisconsin, I had a priest-mentor I met with weekly during my second year there until I decided I wanted to join the Becoming Catholic group.  There was a day when I received an extremely troubling phone-call in my apartment on the other side of town from the St. Paul's Newman Center when Fr. Chuck had an office.  The phone-call shook me to my bones.  I jumped on my bike and pedaled as fast as I could to St. Paul's.  I ran into the office and asked the receptionist if I could see Fr. Chuck.  (It wasn't my day to see him; I had no appointment.)  She placed a call up to his office on the second floor.  She told me he would be right down.  I could hear him coming down the stairs and I started up the stairs to meet him.  The stairwell was rather dark.  I remember how his face glowed.  I remarked about that and he said "oh I was praying."  He said it so matter-of-fact-ly we didn't discuss it further, but I've since thought "how beautifully strange!"

And yet, I know even my own face can seem "brighter" or "darker" at times and people aren't talking about skin-tone.  I normally would assume how we see light in someone's face has to do with their eyes, but in the case of Fr. Chuck, it was his whole face.  It was as if he was reflecting back the light and warmth of the sun.  So now when I think of the Lord shining His Face upon me, I think of His Love and Presence giving me light and warmth and even infusing me with the same!

"May Yahweh uncover his face to you..."  It's true Scriptures tell us of God veiling Himself and of the Veil in the Holy of Holies of the Temple.  When Jesus died on the cross, the Temple Veil was rent from top to bottom!  That tells us that Christ's sacrificial Love has brought us into intimacy with God-the-Father; in Jesus there is no longer a barrier or distance between us and our Creator!  Praise be Jesus!  Praise the Lord!  So when the Lord gave Moses this blessing, even then God was promising to uncover His Face -- which He did in Jesus!

The Peace I long for is Christ Himself.  I find my peace in Him and I long for the day when all creation will live in peace in Christ-Jesus.

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 5 "Letting God Be God"

Why Write?

Not feeling very good today.  Mostly emotional.  Mostly due to lack of purpose.  I want to write.  I want to write about my life.  I want to tell "my side of the story."  I want to tell the Sacred Story that is my life.  But why?  I don't know what the purpose for it is.  I'm fairly convinced that no-one cares about my story.  I doubt that anyone would find value in my story.  I know my Life is Worth beyond value because I know I am created by God and loved by God; God's Love created my being.  But how has the manifestation of my being, my course of choices, my responses to all that has happened to me and all that I've chosen, how do those details matter?  Do they matter?  What in them matters most?  What in them might matter to anyone beyond myself?  Have I made a positive difference in anyone else's life?  I'm sure I have positively impacted most/all of my students.  I have made choices in terms of my talents to use them in such a way that I contribute to the healthy development of children, and empowerment of their talents. 

But what about how I have overcome difficulties in my life?  Do people know anything about all that?  And of what they know, what do they interpret?  What message do they get from how I've lived my life? 

I think my story is made up of several significant threads: profound love; broken-ness; vulnerability; abuse/victimization; rebirth; blossoming; healing; forgiveness; continuing struggle w/ feeling alienated from "the world"; continuing persistence to embrace all that is Good, Beautiful, and True.
If I were to reduce all that to 2 or 3 motifs, which would I identify as most prominent?  Profoundly Vulnerable while Profoundly rooted in Love; struggle to make sense of the struggle!

The main reason I need to write is that I need to write.
Here are 3 more reasons I need to write:
I NEED to write.
I need to WRITE.
I NEED TO WRITE.
Also, I think I would like to be read.
But notice how clear I am about my own need to write, where-as I sound quite tentative regarding my desire to be read.  I ask all these questions about how others might read and interpret my story and the potential there-in, but I am so ambivalent about being read!  The NEED to write FOR ME persists.  So I let myself write this particular blog uncensored.  And I keep it "private."  The theory is that some day I might let select others read this, or I might lift portions to include in other blogs.  The basic presumption is that I use this as a way to cheer myself toward writing something I can let others read.  So the question is WHY do I want to be read?  WHO do I want to read my story?  Which reader(s) matter(s) to me?  Why do I think my story might be of value to them?  The only person I can think of and that I always think of in answer to this question is Tessa.  And why do I want her to know my story?  Because she is my closest relative of the next generation.  And she has expressed interest in wanting to know more about our family.  And I can see she has wounds too, and persists in choosing love and goodness, and I want to encourage her. 

I know that HOW I LIVE is the most important and clearest witness of whatever it is I have to testify to, but I also want to write because I want to reveal my thoughts.

One exercise in writing that would interest me is to explore how I think others might interpret my wordless examples of living.  What is my life-without-words saying?  Are there any words I can add to this that would contribute to or clarify the message?  Are the words I'd like to add in harmony with my actions? 

Jesus help me.
Jesu juva.
I really would like to glorify You, Abba.
Soli Deo gloria.

~ MLJMHC

Extravagant Experiment in Empowerment

Today I made pot-stickers and broccoli florets.  The pot-stickers were already formed and frozen.  I thought it would be simply a matter of dumpling them into boiling water and letting them boil for 8 minutes, but the whole operation from start to finish took nearly 90 minutes!  It took a little while for me to decide which pot I would use and which skillet to later brown them.  Bringing 8 cups of water to boil also takes a little while.  Then bringing the frozen dumplings back to boil took more time.  My pot was almost big enough to contain 8 cups water and 45 dumplings while boiling, but at full boil I had to keep taking the lid off and stirring.  Meanwhile I made some coffee.  I usually make 3 pots of coffee at a time and keep them in thermal carafes.  No matter how often I clean my coffee-maker, it runs fairly slowly, so one pot takes about 10 minutes.  The whole operation takes 30 minutes.  But these increments dove-tailed well with the stages of preparing the pot-stickers.  After boiling them for 8 minutes, I drained them and browned them in a skillet w/ olive oil.  To fit them into my skillet, I had to divide them into 3 batches.  As I finished each batch, I placed them back into the still-hot pot I had used to boil them, having had prepared the bottom of the pot with spinach leaves.  I had seen in a Chinese restaurant where they had put cabbage leaves on the bottom and around the sides of the pot-sticker pot; I assumed it was to keep them moist.  I didn't have any cabbage on hand, so I used what I had: spinach!

To prepare the broccoli florets, I used a bag of frozen florets I could steam in the microwave in the bag.  That took 5 minutes.  Then I transferred them to the skillet where I seasoned them with olive oil, ground ginger, black pepper, and salt.

I served all this with 2 sauce selections: soy and spicy garlic sauce with pineapple juice (both by the same company that had made the pot-stickers).

For such a simple meal with so much prep already done ahead of time, I was surprised it still took me almost an hour and a half from start to finish!  I used as few pots and utensils as possible: my mom's copper-bottom chili pot with lid, a new "green" skillet, 1 strainer, 1 wooden spoon, and 1 metal strainer-spoon.  All of these are very easy to clean, which was admittedly a large part of my planning!

Another factor in this endeavor was the fact that the stove-top igniters aren't working so I had to light the burner with a match.  This is easy to do, but the last time I had hand-lit a gas stove, it exploded on me, so I was quite wary and cautious of how I did this.

Still, how do I account for 90 minutes?  NINETY minutes!!!
2: Read dumpling instructions for stove-top cooking
6: Select pots, lids, etc., and stage everything I would need
2: Read instructions for dumplings again
2: Light burner
10: Bring 8 cups water to boil
10: Dump in dumplings and bring it all to boil again
8: Boil for designated time
1: Drain
1: Prep skillet
7: Brown 15 dumplings
1: Prep pot w/ spinach leaves
1: Transfer browned dumplings to pot
1: Prep skillet again
7: Brown second batch of 15 dumplings
1: Transfer to pot
1: Prep skillet 3rd time
7: Brown third batch of dumplings
1: Transfer to pot
5: Steam broccoli florets
1: Prep skillet
7: Season florets in skillet
2: Choose plates and dipping bowls
3: Snip soy sauce packets and pour into serving cup
3: Wipe up spills, clean skillet asap and put away

These are of course just guesstimates of how I spent my time  The only steps when I actually timed the activity was while I boiled the pot-stickers and when I steamed the florets.  But I started at 11:00 a.m. and finished at 12:30 p.m.  I was expecting John at 12:30 and he was 5 minutes late, so I had 5 minutes to lay down before he came home.

If I had prepared only 15 of the dumplings, would it have taken 1/3 the time?  I could certainly save the time needed for browning the 2 extra batches, but I would have to figure out how much water I need to boil only 15 and factor how long it takes that to boil, plus bringing it to re-boil having had dumped in the dumplings...
This way I can now simply warm-up the already-prepared dumplings in the microwave the next time I want to eat them.  However, 45 dumplings is really too many for just 2 people even if I spread them out across 3 means.  And who wants to eat that many dumplings in 1 week?

Even though this was an extravagant experiment, I'm glad I did it because it gives me more confidence using the stove.

Yes! It's Your Eternal Sacred Self

Hello dear Hoo!,
Today you woke up feeling better than usual and yet you still find it so difficult to get anything done.  Why is this?  Is it because you are keeping yourself from doing what it is you really want most to do?  Probably.  Why do you keep yourself from writing?  Why is it so hard to let yourself tell your story?  I think I know why it is.  You have too many times been told you are wrong.  Or others have spoken over you.  Or simply ignored what you had to say.  Or were baffled.  They couldn't grasp the meaning or the significance.  It obviously didn't matter to them like it does to you.

So what?  Why is it you need someone else to value what you have to say?  Why do you need someone else to validate your experience?  Don't get me wrong; you're not the only one who often feels this way.  But is it really necessary?  Do you not value yourself and your experience and your understanding of it regardless of others ability or interest to do so or not?  I don't think you really do.  I think deepest down you are profoundly rooted, grounded in knowing your measureless worth and the value of your life-story.  I think that's why you are in a sense holding yourself hostage until you act accordingly.  So what is this impediment in the middle?  What is between you and your core?

Is it something you fear?  Let's look at this together.

Here are some of the things I can imagine you might fear:
1. You don't want to re-experience the emotions from remembering former events.
2  You don't want to see yourself so starkly in light of the past, and you especially don't want to define yourself in terms of the past.
3. You don't want to be rejected.
4. You don't want others to see you as damaged.
5. You're not sure what you can do with the anger that will inevitably re-surface.
6. And maybe you're not sure what value the past has even to yourself?

What is it you want to do with remembering the past?  What is it you want to make of your story?
To "set the record straight"?
To re-process it in light of who you are now, so you can "redeem" what you've suffered?
To do something creative with it somehow?
To help others avoid similar troubles?

Knowing you the way I do, I think you might find it most helpful to simply take all of this to the Lord in prayer.  I know that sounds so simplistic.  But take your blockage to the Lord.  Take your fears to the Cross.  Ask Jesus "what's the point?"  If you really let your Lord sort these things with you, maybe you will find that there are some things you can simply let go, and there are other things that can profitably be processed.  And who knows?  Maybe there will even be some surprises.  Maybe Jesus will help you remember some good and encouraging things.

Please, do this.  Do it soon, and do it concretely.  Write to Jesus, and let Him speak to you.  Let Him "write" to you through the Spirit, if you will.  Just see what happens.  You have nothing to lose; He's safe.

And then let me know how it went.  I am truly interested!
Your Eternal Sacred Self

Proceed in Peace

My dear Self,
Why are you so anxious?  Because of circumstances?  Or because of body chemistry?  It's most likely simply your various hormones out of balance.  Be patient, my dear.  If you have gotten off-track, even if you are now back on-track, it will take a little while before you feel restored to your sense of normal; it could take 2 months!  Meanwhile, let me assure you: God loves you and is holding you.  You feel vulnerable and without rudder.  But the Lord is your ark and your rudder and when necessary your anchor!  How do I know?  Because I am your spirit who communes with the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is Always Faithful.  Praise be Jesus!  Praise the Lord!  Blessed be the Name of the Lord forever!

You've been wondering when you last felt healthfully detached or "weaned" from too-dependent attachments.  You tend to draw profound support from mentors, but now you are without mentors, and you feel strangely alone, but also free.  And it somehow reminds you of when you were age four!  What does this mean, you wonder. 

You are entering another stage of maturation.  You are molting.  You are being born.  Birth is strenuous.  But your Mother, The Spirit, is working for your safe delivery.  Be not afraid!  Yes, this could remind you of when you were very young, before you were consciously self-conscious.  But then you were actually profoundly connected with your parents, especially your mother.  Now your Mother is The Lord Himself through His Holy Spirit. 

How can the Lord's Spirit be a Mother?  Jesus Christ the Lord was certainly male in His earthly body.  But our heavenly bodies are not "given in marriage".  In Heaven we are fully born into the whole entity God-the-Creator intended.  God the "Father" is neither male nor female.  God is our Creator; the One Who Creates us.  God's Spirit is neither male nor female, but I like to refer to the Holy Spirit as Mother because the way you experience the Spirit is primarily as the One Who Births you.

So, be not afraid; She holds you well; She is birthing you.
Proceed in Peace, Love, and Joy!
Your sacred Self

A Tree Planted By Water

Jeremiah 17:5-8 (see below) refers to a dry tree and a well-watered tree,  What makes for a "dry" or "well-watered" life has nothing to do with circumstances.  It is only about who you trust.  Who I trust.  If I place my trust in anyone or anything other than the Lord, my life will dry up and I will be in a "land where no one lives."  If I place all my trust in the Lord, I will live and "bear fruit."  I don't think this has to do with whether or not my life will be materially prosperous; I believe it is all about the Life of my spirit.  Life in the Lord = Life!  L'Chaim!  Amen.

5 This is what the Lord says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
    who draws strength from mere flesh
    and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6 That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
    they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
    in a salt land where no one lives.

7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 4 "So What Went Wrong?"