In response to exercise suggested in Chapter 7 ("Making Our Way In The Dark") of Silf's Inner Compass which would have me imagine traveling with the Magi as they followed the star in search of the Messiah:
Using motifs* from the Magi following the star to Bethlehem, in search of the Messiah, reflect on my life events that reveal my "discovering" of Christ. *(North-Star, Journey, persistence through darkness, trusting a guide that is confirmed by evidence but yet requires trust to follow...) What is my "North-Star"? Valuing Life and having regard for the Person in each human-being.
This "North-Star" came to me through a dramatic, life-changing event when I was in high-school. After having attempted suicide, I awoke! I woke up! I was aware that I had woken up! I felt my hand on the plane of the quilt on my bed. I felt how soft it was. I thought "either I am in Heaven and Heaven is very soft, or I am alive on earth and I have woken up in my bed!" Then I opened my eyes, and I was filled with over-whelming joy. I was filled with the bliss of finding that I was alive! Alive! There is so much more to tell of that story -- all the particulars that led up to that moment, and that followed after. But for now, I just want to sit with the memory of being aware of being alive! The joy of being and awareness! The memory of experiencing that awakening and opening of my eyes has never left me. And for twelve years following, while I continued to struggle with on-going thoughts of suicide, I didn't attempt to end my life ever again. I had given myself a gold wedding ring and promised myself to live. To live my life. To never give up. The vow was simply to live. And I thank God for that gift of conviction that Life is valuable simply for itself that it came to me on the heels of my darkest "hour". I have often drawn strength from that memory and that living conviction within me. So that is my personal "North-Star": Life, living.
That's much of the "reason" I am so convicted about the value of human life, of the sacred person in each human-being. In my moment of feeling utter despair and even having attempted to throw my life away, I discovered the gift of valuing Life, my life -- not the circumstances or history or future of my life -- not my life story -- rather, simply my being. My being alive. Being alive here and now. And if I can accept this gift for myself, how could I ever disregard the gift within each person? (Even if they don't recognize the gift for themselves yet.)
This is also why I am not only inclined to enjoy process, but I am grateful for process; I am a lover of process. I know I was born with a personality given toward INFP traits, but this particular experience shows me that there can be surprises around any corner and the process of seeing what's next is powerfully full of the possibility of great gift, great grace.
So my "North-Star" is Life and my journey to Christ is through Becoming, Awakening, Opening my eyes, Receiving Grace, enjoying the gift of Bliss. I have persisted in valuing Life, choosing Life through many dark times, many deserts, hills, and valleys. But ever after that serious suicide attempt, I've always trusted that Life is worth Living and that it is itself a Gift from God. Will I find my Savior at the end of my life's Journey? I believe so because He has already revealed Himself to me and is leading me Home.
Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"
Using motifs* from the Magi following the star to Bethlehem, in search of the Messiah, reflect on my life events that reveal my "discovering" of Christ. *(North-Star, Journey, persistence through darkness, trusting a guide that is confirmed by evidence but yet requires trust to follow...) What is my "North-Star"? Valuing Life and having regard for the Person in each human-being.
This "North-Star" came to me through a dramatic, life-changing event when I was in high-school. After having attempted suicide, I awoke! I woke up! I was aware that I had woken up! I felt my hand on the plane of the quilt on my bed. I felt how soft it was. I thought "either I am in Heaven and Heaven is very soft, or I am alive on earth and I have woken up in my bed!" Then I opened my eyes, and I was filled with over-whelming joy. I was filled with the bliss of finding that I was alive! Alive! There is so much more to tell of that story -- all the particulars that led up to that moment, and that followed after. But for now, I just want to sit with the memory of being aware of being alive! The joy of being and awareness! The memory of experiencing that awakening and opening of my eyes has never left me. And for twelve years following, while I continued to struggle with on-going thoughts of suicide, I didn't attempt to end my life ever again. I had given myself a gold wedding ring and promised myself to live. To live my life. To never give up. The vow was simply to live. And I thank God for that gift of conviction that Life is valuable simply for itself that it came to me on the heels of my darkest "hour". I have often drawn strength from that memory and that living conviction within me. So that is my personal "North-Star": Life, living.
That's much of the "reason" I am so convicted about the value of human life, of the sacred person in each human-being. In my moment of feeling utter despair and even having attempted to throw my life away, I discovered the gift of valuing Life, my life -- not the circumstances or history or future of my life -- not my life story -- rather, simply my being. My being alive. Being alive here and now. And if I can accept this gift for myself, how could I ever disregard the gift within each person? (Even if they don't recognize the gift for themselves yet.)
This is also why I am not only inclined to enjoy process, but I am grateful for process; I am a lover of process. I know I was born with a personality given toward INFP traits, but this particular experience shows me that there can be surprises around any corner and the process of seeing what's next is powerfully full of the possibility of great gift, great grace.
So my "North-Star" is Life and my journey to Christ is through Becoming, Awakening, Opening my eyes, Receiving Grace, enjoying the gift of Bliss. I have persisted in valuing Life, choosing Life through many dark times, many deserts, hills, and valleys. But ever after that serious suicide attempt, I've always trusted that Life is worth Living and that it is itself a Gift from God. Will I find my Savior at the end of my life's Journey? I believe so because He has already revealed Himself to me and is leading me Home.
Reference: Silf, Inner Compass, Chapter 7 "Making Our Way in the Dark"
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