Not feeling very good today. Mostly emotional. Mostly due to lack of purpose. I want to write. I want to write about my life. I want to tell "my side of the story." I want to tell the Sacred Story that is my life. But why? I don't know what the purpose for it is. I'm fairly convinced that no-one cares about my story. I doubt that anyone would find value in my story. I know my Life is Worth beyond value because I know I am created by God and loved by God; God's Love created my being. But how has the manifestation of my being, my course of choices, my responses to all that has happened to me and all that I've chosen, how do those details matter? Do they matter? What in them matters most? What in them might matter to anyone beyond myself? Have I made a positive difference in anyone else's life? I'm sure I have positively impacted most/all of my students. I have made choices in terms of my talents to use them in such a way that I contribute to the healthy development of children, and empowerment of their talents.
But what about how I have overcome difficulties in my life? Do people know anything about all that? And of what they know, what do they interpret? What message do they get from how I've lived my life?
I think my story is made up of several significant threads: profound love; broken-ness; vulnerability; abuse/victimization; rebirth; blossoming; healing; forgiveness; continuing struggle w/ feeling alienated from "the world"; continuing persistence to embrace all that is Good, Beautiful, and True.
If I were to reduce all that to 2 or 3 motifs, which would I identify as most prominent? Profoundly Vulnerable while Profoundly rooted in Love; struggle to make sense of the struggle!
The main reason I need to write is that I need to write.
Here are 3 more reasons I need to write:
I NEED to write.
I need to WRITE.
I NEED TO WRITE.
Also, I think I would like to be read.
But notice how clear I am about my own need to write, where-as I sound quite tentative regarding my desire to be read. I ask all these questions about how others might read and interpret my story and the potential there-in, but I am so ambivalent about being read! The NEED to write FOR ME persists. So I let myself write this particular blog uncensored. And I keep it "private." The theory is that some day I might let select others read this, or I might lift portions to include in other blogs. The basic presumption is that I use this as a way to cheer myself toward writing something I can let others read. So the question is WHY do I want to be read? WHO do I want to read my story? Which reader(s) matter(s) to me? Why do I think my story might be of value to them? The only person I can think of and that I always think of in answer to this question is Tessa. And why do I want her to know my story? Because she is my closest relative of the next generation. And she has expressed interest in wanting to know more about our family. And I can see she has wounds too, and persists in choosing love and goodness, and I want to encourage her.
I know that HOW I LIVE is the most important and clearest witness of whatever it is I have to testify to, but I also want to write because I want to reveal my thoughts.
One exercise in writing that would interest me is to explore how I think others might interpret my wordless examples of living. What is my life-without-words saying? Are there any words I can add to this that would contribute to or clarify the message? Are the words I'd like to add in harmony with my actions?
Jesus help me.
Jesu juva.
I really would like to glorify You, Abba.
Soli Deo gloria.
~ MLJMHC
But what about how I have overcome difficulties in my life? Do people know anything about all that? And of what they know, what do they interpret? What message do they get from how I've lived my life?
I think my story is made up of several significant threads: profound love; broken-ness; vulnerability; abuse/victimization; rebirth; blossoming; healing; forgiveness; continuing struggle w/ feeling alienated from "the world"; continuing persistence to embrace all that is Good, Beautiful, and True.
If I were to reduce all that to 2 or 3 motifs, which would I identify as most prominent? Profoundly Vulnerable while Profoundly rooted in Love; struggle to make sense of the struggle!
The main reason I need to write is that I need to write.
Here are 3 more reasons I need to write:
I NEED to write.
I need to WRITE.
I NEED TO WRITE.
Also, I think I would like to be read.
But notice how clear I am about my own need to write, where-as I sound quite tentative regarding my desire to be read. I ask all these questions about how others might read and interpret my story and the potential there-in, but I am so ambivalent about being read! The NEED to write FOR ME persists. So I let myself write this particular blog uncensored. And I keep it "private." The theory is that some day I might let select others read this, or I might lift portions to include in other blogs. The basic presumption is that I use this as a way to cheer myself toward writing something I can let others read. So the question is WHY do I want to be read? WHO do I want to read my story? Which reader(s) matter(s) to me? Why do I think my story might be of value to them? The only person I can think of and that I always think of in answer to this question is Tessa. And why do I want her to know my story? Because she is my closest relative of the next generation. And she has expressed interest in wanting to know more about our family. And I can see she has wounds too, and persists in choosing love and goodness, and I want to encourage her.
I know that HOW I LIVE is the most important and clearest witness of whatever it is I have to testify to, but I also want to write because I want to reveal my thoughts.
One exercise in writing that would interest me is to explore how I think others might interpret my wordless examples of living. What is my life-without-words saying? Are there any words I can add to this that would contribute to or clarify the message? Are the words I'd like to add in harmony with my actions?
Jesus help me.
Jesu juva.
I really would like to glorify You, Abba.
Soli Deo gloria.
~ MLJMHC
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